Sunday, May 29, 2011
Emma's Newborn Pictures
We had a friend come take some pictures of Emma and us the Saturday Emma came home from the hospital. I couldn't be more happy with them. I think they turned out so great. Check her out at www.ivorylimephotography.com for her information.
Diagnosis
While Emma was in the NICU, my friend, Melanie suggested to me that Emma has something actually wrong with her anatomy. She never really bought into what the doctors and nurses were saying about Emma simply being premature.
Emma pointed out to me that Emma’s stridor (her raspy breathing, almost snoring even when she’s awake). Melanie suggested Emma might have laryngomalacia or tracheomalacia. Since I know pretty much nothing about anatomy, and even less about physiology, I often just listened to Melanie and tried to internalize it. I didn’t know what to do with that information.
Melanie, on the other hand, asked nurses on more than one occasion about the stridor. They gave her the same answers they gave me.
On May 2, as I was leaving the NICU from Emma’s 9:00 am feeding, I was stopped by the angel nurse, Lisa. She asked how Emma was doing. I told her the same. She said that she and one of her nurse friends had been talking about Emma. She said they were concerned that something else was wrong with Emma, not just her being “premature.” She suggested Emma might have something going on in her throat. Ugh—yah—exactly what Melanie had brought up. Lisa said I might consider asking to have Emma scoped up at Primary Children’s.
As she was finishing her conversation with me, one of the doctors passed by. I stopped her and started a conversation with her. She said she thought that my calculations on Emma’s conception were probably off (which is crazy, since my body is almost like clockwork when it comes to my cycle) and that Emma was simply a lot more premature than I had thought. She said that this prematurity was Emma's problem. She said that Emma had done so poorly the day and night before that I should probably prepare for Emma being in the NICU another week, maybe even a couple weeks. (This was the comment that pushed me over the edge, by the way.)
I asked this doctor about Emma’s throat, about there being something actually wrong with her anatomy. The doctor said, “Yah, there might be. She probably has tracheomalacia. That will eventually clear up on its own as Emma gets stronger.”
And that was it. No further talk about scoping Emma to find out for sure. No further talk about any of it. She just left me feeling like crap and telling me to wait it out.
Two days later I brought Emma home.
At home, Emma seemed happy. But, she still wasn’t growing. She was good for her oxygen levels some days. So we would take her oxygen off. She was fine for a day or two, and then she would start getting lethargic, she would eat less, she would wake less, and she would struggle noticeably more with her breathing. I’d put her back on the oxygen.
Our pediatrician, Dr. De La O, wasn’t there for every appointment we had the first two weeks at home. So we had appointments with others in the office. One pediatrician heard a heart murmur in Emma—which no one in the NICU had even recognized. Dr. De La O heard it too when I mentioned that finding.
Dr. De La O has been concerned about Emma’s up and downs with oxygen. She’s been concerned about the lack of weight gain. And she has been concerned about Emma’s stridor. Dr. De La O referred us to Primary Children’s to meet with an ear, nose, and throat specialist and also a cardiologist. We decided that Emma wasn't growing because she was wasting her energy on breathing and on pumping her heart.
When I called to get an appointment with an ENT, the “first” appointment available with any of them was July 1. SIX WEEKS FROM THAT DAY! Six weeks? Seriously? Melanie said Emma could not wait that long. She somehow managed to get us in a week later. That was three days ago, May 26. The cardiology department called me and set up an appointment. That appointment is set for June 1.
Melanie wasn’t scheduled to work on Thursday. But, she asked if I would like her to go with me to the appointment. I said, “Yes.” So she was my angel companion and went with me.
We met with Dr. Muntz. Melanie was glad Emma was being noisy so Dr. Muntz wouldn’t think we were crazy. And yes, Emma was really noisy. (Poor girl.)
After answering a list of questions with the nurse, Dr. Muntz finally came in. He asked us some more questions about Emma. Then we started with the scope. The procedure didn’t take very long, but it sure left Emma tired, sad, frustrated, and breathing heavily.
Dr. Muntz sent a teeny tiny camera up through Emma’s nose and down her throat. We could immediately see there was a problem: laryngomalacia. Melanie told me later that she had never, in the ten years she’s work at Primary Children’s, seen a case as bad as Emma’s. Dr. Muntz took one look at it and said we’d need to do surgery.
Even I, a lay person when it comes to anatomy, could see the problem. There is so much excess tissue covering Emma’s airway that she is having major trouble breathing. When she was full-on crying, the airway was barely open. The tissue, when calm, was overlapping. It should be not there like that at all, and especially not touching.
Apparently Dr. Muntz would have tried to put the camera down farther to see if there was any other problems, but the tissue was blocking the way.
Melanie then helped Dr. Muntz do a swallow study. Emma is definitely refluxing as the epiglottal is not as sensitive as it should be. It should have made her flinch and cry more when Dr. Muntz poked her with the camera. She only kind of flinched with the poking. When we fed her some formula dyed blue (VERY blue), some of it pooled right above her epiglottal. That’s a concern. We hope she’s not aspirating her food.
After we finished torturing poor little Emma, I wrapped her in a blanket and held her close. I gave her a pacifier and did my best to sooth her. Dr. Muntz tentatively scheduled us for surgery this coming Friday, June 3. He said he wants to wait until cardiology confirms Emma’s heart is well enough to go under general anesthesia. He said that he will not be able to perform Emma’s surgery himself as he will be out of town. But, he’s confident in his colleague.
So, yes, Emma needs surgery. This is not something she will just grow out of. This is not something that can be fixed by medications. This is something that if we don’t immediately resolve could be seriously dangerous to our little girl. This is something that I am so grateful to finally KNOW and know that there is an answer for.
I’m peeved that the NICU doctors were so unconcerned about this. I recently read the discharge notes from one of the NICU doctors. She put on there that Emma had resolving tracheomalacia. Not resolving. Not tracheomalacia. I wish the doctors would have paid more attention and that they would have been more aware. How much money could have been saved if a scope had been done at week one, even week two? Well, on average, the NICU bill was $3,100 a day. You do the math.
Emma pointed out to me that Emma’s stridor (her raspy breathing, almost snoring even when she’s awake). Melanie suggested Emma might have laryngomalacia or tracheomalacia. Since I know pretty much nothing about anatomy, and even less about physiology, I often just listened to Melanie and tried to internalize it. I didn’t know what to do with that information.
Melanie, on the other hand, asked nurses on more than one occasion about the stridor. They gave her the same answers they gave me.
On May 2, as I was leaving the NICU from Emma’s 9:00 am feeding, I was stopped by the angel nurse, Lisa. She asked how Emma was doing. I told her the same. She said that she and one of her nurse friends had been talking about Emma. She said they were concerned that something else was wrong with Emma, not just her being “premature.” She suggested Emma might have something going on in her throat. Ugh—yah—exactly what Melanie had brought up. Lisa said I might consider asking to have Emma scoped up at Primary Children’s.
As she was finishing her conversation with me, one of the doctors passed by. I stopped her and started a conversation with her. She said she thought that my calculations on Emma’s conception were probably off (which is crazy, since my body is almost like clockwork when it comes to my cycle) and that Emma was simply a lot more premature than I had thought. She said that this prematurity was Emma's problem. She said that Emma had done so poorly the day and night before that I should probably prepare for Emma being in the NICU another week, maybe even a couple weeks. (This was the comment that pushed me over the edge, by the way.)
I asked this doctor about Emma’s throat, about there being something actually wrong with her anatomy. The doctor said, “Yah, there might be. She probably has tracheomalacia. That will eventually clear up on its own as Emma gets stronger.”
And that was it. No further talk about scoping Emma to find out for sure. No further talk about any of it. She just left me feeling like crap and telling me to wait it out.
Two days later I brought Emma home.
At home, Emma seemed happy. But, she still wasn’t growing. She was good for her oxygen levels some days. So we would take her oxygen off. She was fine for a day or two, and then she would start getting lethargic, she would eat less, she would wake less, and she would struggle noticeably more with her breathing. I’d put her back on the oxygen.
Our pediatrician, Dr. De La O, wasn’t there for every appointment we had the first two weeks at home. So we had appointments with others in the office. One pediatrician heard a heart murmur in Emma—which no one in the NICU had even recognized. Dr. De La O heard it too when I mentioned that finding.
Dr. De La O has been concerned about Emma’s up and downs with oxygen. She’s been concerned about the lack of weight gain. And she has been concerned about Emma’s stridor. Dr. De La O referred us to Primary Children’s to meet with an ear, nose, and throat specialist and also a cardiologist. We decided that Emma wasn't growing because she was wasting her energy on breathing and on pumping her heart.
When I called to get an appointment with an ENT, the “first” appointment available with any of them was July 1. SIX WEEKS FROM THAT DAY! Six weeks? Seriously? Melanie said Emma could not wait that long. She somehow managed to get us in a week later. That was three days ago, May 26. The cardiology department called me and set up an appointment. That appointment is set for June 1.
Melanie wasn’t scheduled to work on Thursday. But, she asked if I would like her to go with me to the appointment. I said, “Yes.” So she was my angel companion and went with me.
We met with Dr. Muntz. Melanie was glad Emma was being noisy so Dr. Muntz wouldn’t think we were crazy. And yes, Emma was really noisy. (Poor girl.)
After answering a list of questions with the nurse, Dr. Muntz finally came in. He asked us some more questions about Emma. Then we started with the scope. The procedure didn’t take very long, but it sure left Emma tired, sad, frustrated, and breathing heavily.
Dr. Muntz sent a teeny tiny camera up through Emma’s nose and down her throat. We could immediately see there was a problem: laryngomalacia. Melanie told me later that she had never, in the ten years she’s work at Primary Children’s, seen a case as bad as Emma’s. Dr. Muntz took one look at it and said we’d need to do surgery.
Even I, a lay person when it comes to anatomy, could see the problem. There is so much excess tissue covering Emma’s airway that she is having major trouble breathing. When she was full-on crying, the airway was barely open. The tissue, when calm, was overlapping. It should be not there like that at all, and especially not touching.
Apparently Dr. Muntz would have tried to put the camera down farther to see if there was any other problems, but the tissue was blocking the way.
Melanie then helped Dr. Muntz do a swallow study. Emma is definitely refluxing as the epiglottal is not as sensitive as it should be. It should have made her flinch and cry more when Dr. Muntz poked her with the camera. She only kind of flinched with the poking. When we fed her some formula dyed blue (VERY blue), some of it pooled right above her epiglottal. That’s a concern. We hope she’s not aspirating her food.
After we finished torturing poor little Emma, I wrapped her in a blanket and held her close. I gave her a pacifier and did my best to sooth her. Dr. Muntz tentatively scheduled us for surgery this coming Friday, June 3. He said he wants to wait until cardiology confirms Emma’s heart is well enough to go under general anesthesia. He said that he will not be able to perform Emma’s surgery himself as he will be out of town. But, he’s confident in his colleague.
So, yes, Emma needs surgery. This is not something she will just grow out of. This is not something that can be fixed by medications. This is something that if we don’t immediately resolve could be seriously dangerous to our little girl. This is something that I am so grateful to finally KNOW and know that there is an answer for.
I’m peeved that the NICU doctors were so unconcerned about this. I recently read the discharge notes from one of the NICU doctors. She put on there that Emma had resolving tracheomalacia. Not resolving. Not tracheomalacia. I wish the doctors would have paid more attention and that they would have been more aware. How much money could have been saved if a scope had been done at week one, even week two? Well, on average, the NICU bill was $3,100 a day. You do the math.
The Angels in Our Lives
There have been so, so many angels in our lives since Emma has been born. I just wanted to write about these people.
I don’t even know how many people have prayed for us. Many continue to pray for us. These are family and friends all over the world, not just our neighbors. I also consider with these all those who may not have the same beliefs that I do and may just been thinking about us. Personally, those thoughts are prayers whether they might agree with me or not.
There have been many friends who have taken Zachary for me for a few hours, or even many hours, while I have been going to and from the NICU. And even some friends are still being available for me now as I am taking Emma to appointments. One girl came to take Zachary one day when I was housebound and he needed a walk outside. Let’s see if I can even remember: Alyssa, Shalise, Pauline, Stacie, the Mulitalos, and Shirlee. Many others have also volunteered to take Zachary, I just haven’t needed them yet.
Many people have provided meals for us. When we first came home from the hospital, no one brought us dinner. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or even entitled. But, I actually did feel bad when we had been home for a few days and no one had even physically visited us. My mom asked me a few days after I’d been home what the deal with our ward was. I didn’t have an answer. A few days after that, Mark admitted to me that he was upset about the lack thereof as well.
But, then people started bringing us meals. Many meals. Meals that have been greatly appreciated—greatly. So many meals I feel humbled. So many meals I’ve been feeling almost bad and wondering if the other women in our ward have been taken care of when they have had their babies.
One of the first people to bring us a meal is a woman who isn’t even in our ward. In fact, she brought us a box—literally—full of four complete freezer meals. She brought these on a day I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed, exhausted, and depressed. She couldn’t have been more of an angel.
A friend from Colorado sent us a gift card for McDonald’s. A friend who is not even that close of friend brought us a meal and all the baby girl hand-me-downs she wanted to part with.
Mark and I were planning on shopping for and preparing a freezer full of meals on April 15 and 16. So when Emma came on April 14, we were definitely caught off guard and unprepared. Thanks to all those who came to our emotional and physical rescue: Jamie, Alyssa, Jill and Steve, Shalise and Trent, Pauline, Jessica, Carl and Karli, Melanie, Connie, Kathy, Stephanie, Zaya, Angela, Shannon, Erin. Considering how tired and stressed I am, I am eternally grateful to these angels and the sixteen meals they’ve provided to our family.
Because we didn’t find out Emma’s gender before she was born, I’ve been banking on hand-me-downs from family and friends for a little girl. We’ve received two boxes of girl clothes. On top of that, we’ve had friends give us new things. I’ve had so much fun with the little girl clothes. Thanks to Angela and Julie for the hand-me-downs (and they both gave us new things in the boxes too!). And thanks to Jill, Jamie, Melanie, Karen, Michelle, the Zimmermans, the Harpers, Jarom and Shirlee, Aunt Vernita, Shalise, Debbie, Pat (a whole bag full of new things), Dustin and Teresa, and Gail. It’s so fun to get these gifts—and it’s also greatly appreciated.
Mark’s mom came to stay with us for a few days this month. We’re glad she got to come while Emma was still so little. And I’m so thankful for the effort she put into taking care of us while she was here. She cleaned for us and took Zachary on walks.
Jill came the other day to fold my clothes. There may have been days that I would have said, “Ah, nah, you don’t need to do that.” But, our pediatrician said I better take care of myself and take advantage of these types of offers. Honestly, it was a relief to have someone help me with that simple task. Pat is coming tomorrow to help me with a few household chores too. Angels. These are angels.
Along with all these angels, three others have particularly been angels to our family. I don’t think I would be as sane without these three. I’m pretty sure I would have cried many tears without them. I’m pretty sure I would be not functioning without their love and care. These three are Jamie, Melanie, and my own mom.
Jamie is one of my best friends in my ward. She happens to be my visiting teacher. We originally became friends because we were in the Young Women leadership together. I think we’re better friends now that we’re not in YW.
Jamie was one of the first people to show up at the hospital when Emma was born. She not only brought a gift for Emma, but she also brought us a treat. Since that day, Jamie has shown up on our doorstep again and again, many times with food, a few times just with a word of friendship. She’s been there for anything and everything I’ve needed. Most of the time, I’ve just needed someone to cheer me on and keep me sane. So glad for my Jamie Angel.
Melanie is my other best friend from my ward. She, too, was originally my friend from Young Women leadership. Melanie also came to the hospital the day Emma was born. She brought a gift of newborn sized clothes (which we had none of) and some Jamba juices.
Mark and I actually put Melanie on our list of people who could visit Emma in the NICU whether or not we were with them. Honestly, that decision must have been inspired. Melanie used that permission to help us. Melanie happens to work at Primary Children’s Medical Center. She is a speech language pathologist—she helps babies and all ages of children with all things oral motor in nature. Since Emma has had so many eating issues, Melanie used her expertise to help Emma eat better. Melanie also is a lactation specialist, so she tried helping Emma with nursing too.
Melanie was the first one to notice that Emma had any kind true breathing problem. All the doctors and nurses at St. Marks just chalked Emma’s breathing and eating issues up to her “prematurity”—even though Emma really isn’t a preemie. Melanie suggested to me that Emma might have laryngomalacia or tracheomalacia. Melanie caught this diagnosis when Emma was probably a week old.
Since bringing Emma home, Melanie has helped both Mark and I with trying to get Emma to eat better.
Melanie, like Jamie, has also shown up or called just to check on me as well. This friendship has been invaluable to me, especially since I’ve been so tired and frustrated with everything.
As I will write in the next post, Melanie also went with me when I took Emma to a doctor’s appointment at Primary Children’s. More on that later.
As you can see, there have been almost countless angels in our lives the last few months. But, the one who has been the most important to me in my own mother.
When Emma was born, Mom came up the next day, Friday. Mom stayed with us until Monday. I wished she could have stayed longer, but she had to go home. They (the parents) had planned a special motorcycle trip a long time before, so she went home for that. But while she was here, she took special care of Zachary, she fed us meals, and she cleaned our house. She went with me to the NICU when she could and allowed Mark to go with me to the NICU other times.
It was on May 2 when she truly came to my rescue, though. Before it was planned and it was wonderful that she was able to be with us. But, the day I broke down, the day I couldn’t do it alone any more, she rescheduled her life to come help me. She came that night. Without her here, I would have been a true basket case.
I was super happy that Emma came home only two days later. But, think about that—if Mom hadn’t been here that week, I would have still been out of sorts. Mark was working, Zachary needed extra attention, and I actually had Emma home. With Mom here, together we were able to give Zachary that attention. And, Mom took care of us again: food, cleaning, and attention. I’m so, so grateful for my Angel Mother.
Thanks to all these Angels. Thanks to those who continue to help us. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
I don’t even know how many people have prayed for us. Many continue to pray for us. These are family and friends all over the world, not just our neighbors. I also consider with these all those who may not have the same beliefs that I do and may just been thinking about us. Personally, those thoughts are prayers whether they might agree with me or not.
There have been many friends who have taken Zachary for me for a few hours, or even many hours, while I have been going to and from the NICU. And even some friends are still being available for me now as I am taking Emma to appointments. One girl came to take Zachary one day when I was housebound and he needed a walk outside. Let’s see if I can even remember: Alyssa, Shalise, Pauline, Stacie, the Mulitalos, and Shirlee. Many others have also volunteered to take Zachary, I just haven’t needed them yet.
Many people have provided meals for us. When we first came home from the hospital, no one brought us dinner. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or even entitled. But, I actually did feel bad when we had been home for a few days and no one had even physically visited us. My mom asked me a few days after I’d been home what the deal with our ward was. I didn’t have an answer. A few days after that, Mark admitted to me that he was upset about the lack thereof as well.
But, then people started bringing us meals. Many meals. Meals that have been greatly appreciated—greatly. So many meals I feel humbled. So many meals I’ve been feeling almost bad and wondering if the other women in our ward have been taken care of when they have had their babies.
One of the first people to bring us a meal is a woman who isn’t even in our ward. In fact, she brought us a box—literally—full of four complete freezer meals. She brought these on a day I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed, exhausted, and depressed. She couldn’t have been more of an angel.
A friend from Colorado sent us a gift card for McDonald’s. A friend who is not even that close of friend brought us a meal and all the baby girl hand-me-downs she wanted to part with.
Mark and I were planning on shopping for and preparing a freezer full of meals on April 15 and 16. So when Emma came on April 14, we were definitely caught off guard and unprepared. Thanks to all those who came to our emotional and physical rescue: Jamie, Alyssa, Jill and Steve, Shalise and Trent, Pauline, Jessica, Carl and Karli, Melanie, Connie, Kathy, Stephanie, Zaya, Angela, Shannon, Erin. Considering how tired and stressed I am, I am eternally grateful to these angels and the sixteen meals they’ve provided to our family.
Because we didn’t find out Emma’s gender before she was born, I’ve been banking on hand-me-downs from family and friends for a little girl. We’ve received two boxes of girl clothes. On top of that, we’ve had friends give us new things. I’ve had so much fun with the little girl clothes. Thanks to Angela and Julie for the hand-me-downs (and they both gave us new things in the boxes too!). And thanks to Jill, Jamie, Melanie, Karen, Michelle, the Zimmermans, the Harpers, Jarom and Shirlee, Aunt Vernita, Shalise, Debbie, Pat (a whole bag full of new things), Dustin and Teresa, and Gail. It’s so fun to get these gifts—and it’s also greatly appreciated.
Mark’s mom came to stay with us for a few days this month. We’re glad she got to come while Emma was still so little. And I’m so thankful for the effort she put into taking care of us while she was here. She cleaned for us and took Zachary on walks.
Jill came the other day to fold my clothes. There may have been days that I would have said, “Ah, nah, you don’t need to do that.” But, our pediatrician said I better take care of myself and take advantage of these types of offers. Honestly, it was a relief to have someone help me with that simple task. Pat is coming tomorrow to help me with a few household chores too. Angels. These are angels.
Along with all these angels, three others have particularly been angels to our family. I don’t think I would be as sane without these three. I’m pretty sure I would have cried many tears without them. I’m pretty sure I would be not functioning without their love and care. These three are Jamie, Melanie, and my own mom.
Jamie is one of my best friends in my ward. She happens to be my visiting teacher. We originally became friends because we were in the Young Women leadership together. I think we’re better friends now that we’re not in YW.
Jamie was one of the first people to show up at the hospital when Emma was born. She not only brought a gift for Emma, but she also brought us a treat. Since that day, Jamie has shown up on our doorstep again and again, many times with food, a few times just with a word of friendship. She’s been there for anything and everything I’ve needed. Most of the time, I’ve just needed someone to cheer me on and keep me sane. So glad for my Jamie Angel.
Melanie is my other best friend from my ward. She, too, was originally my friend from Young Women leadership. Melanie also came to the hospital the day Emma was born. She brought a gift of newborn sized clothes (which we had none of) and some Jamba juices.
Mark and I actually put Melanie on our list of people who could visit Emma in the NICU whether or not we were with them. Honestly, that decision must have been inspired. Melanie used that permission to help us. Melanie happens to work at Primary Children’s Medical Center. She is a speech language pathologist—she helps babies and all ages of children with all things oral motor in nature. Since Emma has had so many eating issues, Melanie used her expertise to help Emma eat better. Melanie also is a lactation specialist, so she tried helping Emma with nursing too.
Melanie was the first one to notice that Emma had any kind true breathing problem. All the doctors and nurses at St. Marks just chalked Emma’s breathing and eating issues up to her “prematurity”—even though Emma really isn’t a preemie. Melanie suggested to me that Emma might have laryngomalacia or tracheomalacia. Melanie caught this diagnosis when Emma was probably a week old.
Since bringing Emma home, Melanie has helped both Mark and I with trying to get Emma to eat better.
Melanie, like Jamie, has also shown up or called just to check on me as well. This friendship has been invaluable to me, especially since I’ve been so tired and frustrated with everything.
As I will write in the next post, Melanie also went with me when I took Emma to a doctor’s appointment at Primary Children’s. More on that later.
As you can see, there have been almost countless angels in our lives the last few months. But, the one who has been the most important to me in my own mother.
When Emma was born, Mom came up the next day, Friday. Mom stayed with us until Monday. I wished she could have stayed longer, but she had to go home. They (the parents) had planned a special motorcycle trip a long time before, so she went home for that. But while she was here, she took special care of Zachary, she fed us meals, and she cleaned our house. She went with me to the NICU when she could and allowed Mark to go with me to the NICU other times.
It was on May 2 when she truly came to my rescue, though. Before it was planned and it was wonderful that she was able to be with us. But, the day I broke down, the day I couldn’t do it alone any more, she rescheduled her life to come help me. She came that night. Without her here, I would have been a true basket case.
I was super happy that Emma came home only two days later. But, think about that—if Mom hadn’t been here that week, I would have still been out of sorts. Mark was working, Zachary needed extra attention, and I actually had Emma home. With Mom here, together we were able to give Zachary that attention. And, Mom took care of us again: food, cleaning, and attention. I’m so, so grateful for my Angel Mother.
Thanks to all these Angels. Thanks to those who continue to help us. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Doctors, Doctors, Doctors
We have met with so many doctors and are meeting so many doctors since Emma has been born. Let me count them for you….
1 - My OB/GYN. He actually didn’t make it to the delivery, but he did show up about 15 minutes later. Honestly, I would have been shocked if he got there in time for the delivery since Emma came so fast.
1 - The doctor that delivered Emma. I mentioned before that I forgot her name. I had to ask the nurses to find out her name for me.
1 - One of my doctor’s colleagues. He came one of the mornings I was in the hospital to do rounds.
3 - There are three doctors that exclusively work in the NICU (at least, that’s what I understand). The guy doctor seemed more charismatic than either of the women.
1 - Emma’s pediatrician. Emma didn’t meet her until she was over four weeks old.
2 - Two of Emma’s pediatrician’s colleagues. Our pediatrician doesn’t work in the office every day, and we’ve made plenty of trips to the office for weight checks.
1 - An ENT at Primary Children’s Medical Center. We’ll meet that one tomorrow.
1 - A cardiologist at Primary Children’s Medical Center. We’ll meet that one next week.
Totaling this list: eleven (11) doctors. Adding the dentist for Zachary’s teeth gives us a perfect dozen (12). That’s too many doctors for seven weeks.
1 - My OB/GYN. He actually didn’t make it to the delivery, but he did show up about 15 minutes later. Honestly, I would have been shocked if he got there in time for the delivery since Emma came so fast.
1 - The doctor that delivered Emma. I mentioned before that I forgot her name. I had to ask the nurses to find out her name for me.
1 - One of my doctor’s colleagues. He came one of the mornings I was in the hospital to do rounds.
3 - There are three doctors that exclusively work in the NICU (at least, that’s what I understand). The guy doctor seemed more charismatic than either of the women.
1 - Emma’s pediatrician. Emma didn’t meet her until she was over four weeks old.
2 - Two of Emma’s pediatrician’s colleagues. Our pediatrician doesn’t work in the office every day, and we’ve made plenty of trips to the office for weight checks.
1 - An ENT at Primary Children’s Medical Center. We’ll meet that one tomorrow.
1 - A cardiologist at Primary Children’s Medical Center. We’ll meet that one next week.
Totaling this list: eleven (11) doctors. Adding the dentist for Zachary’s teeth gives us a perfect dozen (12). That’s too many doctors for seven weeks.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I Broke Zachary's Teeth
We’ve had too many doctors in our lives the last little while. And last week, on Wednesday, May 11, we saw another doctor. This time, for Zachary.
I was getting Z-man ready so we could go to the pediatrician’s office for Emma. He was in the bathtub and we were done. I wrapped the big soft yellow towel around him, around his head. We both laughed because that was funny. I opened it back up and we laughed! So I did it again—but this time, Zachary fell forward.
HE FELL FORWARD FACE FIRST INTO THE SIDE OF THE TUB. The towel was around his face, but there was still this horrible, sickening crack. He had fell mouth first—teeth first—onto the side of the tub.
Blood started coming with the scream. I looked at his mouth and freaked. It looked like his two front teeth had been shoved into his gums. I grabbed my sobbing boy and held him to me while I ran to the phone.
I called the last dentist Mark and I had seen. They told me that they don’t really do pediatric dentistry. They told me I could either find a pediatric dentist or take Zachary to an ER.
I was crying. I called Mark and told him what happened. I asked Mark if he could help me. I told him I wanted him to find us a pediatric dentist while I called the pediatrician’s office to cancel Emma’s appointment.
Mark called a pediatric dentist’s office at the Granger Medical Center, a clinic we’ve visited for other reasons in the past two years. He got us an appointment for 11:20.
Mark came home to help me. I was so, so grateful that he took time from his day to help his crazy wife and to be there for his broken son.
Zachary started swelling and the teeth looked like they were almost back to their original location. I could also see that they both were chipped. Yes, chipped.
When we got to the clinic, they tried to take an x-ray of his mouth, but he wouldn’t hold still for it. No worries. The dentist looked at Zachary’s mouth only briefly because Zachary’ wouldn’t hold still (I don’t blame him). He comforted me by telling me that this kind of accident happens a lot more often than I might think.
The dentist then told us that he didn’t think there would be any permanent damage. From what he could see, he thought that Zachary’s mouth was still so unformed that even if his teeth did break, there would be no damage to the permanent teeth. He said those teeth were still “buds” and that ramming baby teeth into them at this stage wouldn’t really do much. The dentist said that if these baby teeth were damaged beyond the chips, he would be able to ascertain better in a couple weeks.
He asked us to make a follow-up appointment for three weeks.
Poor Zachary’s teeth hurt so bad. They still hurt. He tries to bite some things and just can’t—he forgets. But he tries any way. The dentist told us to treat his swelling by alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen. (I had to call our pediatrician’s office the next day to find out how much time between the doses. (It’s three hours between the alternating doses, if you want to know.))
Later that same day we went in to the pediatrician’s office for Emma’s check-up. The nice pediatrician (not ours, but other from the office) offered Zachary an Otter Pop because she said it might make him feel a little bit better. I thought that was superb of her.
Zachary’s swelling was at its peak the next morning. The poor kid looked like a Who (think of Dr. Seuss). But the alternating doses of medication did their magic. The swelling was finally gone by Saturday morning.
I have never seen bruised gums before. I have never seen bruising on the inside of the lips. And I have never seen a bruise on the outside of the mouth caused by trauma on the inside. But, I saw all of that with Zachary. Poor kid.
I was getting Z-man ready so we could go to the pediatrician’s office for Emma. He was in the bathtub and we were done. I wrapped the big soft yellow towel around him, around his head. We both laughed because that was funny. I opened it back up and we laughed! So I did it again—but this time, Zachary fell forward.
HE FELL FORWARD FACE FIRST INTO THE SIDE OF THE TUB. The towel was around his face, but there was still this horrible, sickening crack. He had fell mouth first—teeth first—onto the side of the tub.
Blood started coming with the scream. I looked at his mouth and freaked. It looked like his two front teeth had been shoved into his gums. I grabbed my sobbing boy and held him to me while I ran to the phone.
I called the last dentist Mark and I had seen. They told me that they don’t really do pediatric dentistry. They told me I could either find a pediatric dentist or take Zachary to an ER.
I was crying. I called Mark and told him what happened. I asked Mark if he could help me. I told him I wanted him to find us a pediatric dentist while I called the pediatrician’s office to cancel Emma’s appointment.
Mark called a pediatric dentist’s office at the Granger Medical Center, a clinic we’ve visited for other reasons in the past two years. He got us an appointment for 11:20.
Mark came home to help me. I was so, so grateful that he took time from his day to help his crazy wife and to be there for his broken son.
Zachary started swelling and the teeth looked like they were almost back to their original location. I could also see that they both were chipped. Yes, chipped.
When we got to the clinic, they tried to take an x-ray of his mouth, but he wouldn’t hold still for it. No worries. The dentist looked at Zachary’s mouth only briefly because Zachary’ wouldn’t hold still (I don’t blame him). He comforted me by telling me that this kind of accident happens a lot more often than I might think.
The dentist then told us that he didn’t think there would be any permanent damage. From what he could see, he thought that Zachary’s mouth was still so unformed that even if his teeth did break, there would be no damage to the permanent teeth. He said those teeth were still “buds” and that ramming baby teeth into them at this stage wouldn’t really do much. The dentist said that if these baby teeth were damaged beyond the chips, he would be able to ascertain better in a couple weeks.
He asked us to make a follow-up appointment for three weeks.
Poor Zachary’s teeth hurt so bad. They still hurt. He tries to bite some things and just can’t—he forgets. But he tries any way. The dentist told us to treat his swelling by alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen. (I had to call our pediatrician’s office the next day to find out how much time between the doses. (It’s three hours between the alternating doses, if you want to know.))
Later that same day we went in to the pediatrician’s office for Emma’s check-up. The nice pediatrician (not ours, but other from the office) offered Zachary an Otter Pop because she said it might make him feel a little bit better. I thought that was superb of her.
Zachary’s swelling was at its peak the next morning. The poor kid looked like a Who (think of Dr. Seuss). But the alternating doses of medication did their magic. The swelling was finally gone by Saturday morning.
I have never seen bruised gums before. I have never seen bruising on the inside of the lips. And I have never seen a bruise on the outside of the mouth caused by trauma on the inside. But, I saw all of that with Zachary. Poor kid.
How My Testimony Was Strengthened
My testimony was strengthened with the NICU experience, though it wasn’t something I’d ever like to relive and it wasn’t something I’d ever, every wish on anyone else.
One day, long into the NICU stay, my cousin texted me and asked me if I had any prayers offered in my behalf. I knew she was referring to medicine man prayers down on the reservation. I just responded to her that lots of people were praying for us. She responded what she meant.
She used to be LDS. I don’t know when she stopped caring about the church. But I know that her active service in the military didn’t help.
As kindly and carefully as I could, I responded to her. I told her that people were praying for us all across the United States, and even around the world. I told her that people all over the US were putting our names in temples. I told her that Emma had a priesthood blessing. And, I told her that Mark and I were praying daily for Emma.
I told my cousin that with all these prayers and through the priesthood power, we had received good feelings that our answer was that everything would indeed be okay. We just had to wait for the right time.
I really did feel the strength of all these prayers offered in our behalf. I really did know that Heavenly Father was aware of our circumstances. I really did know that I was supposed to learn something from all of this.
Yesterday, as I was finally catching up on emails from friends, the connection finally was made clear to me. The day that I broke down, the day that my mom came to save me, was also the turn-around day for Emma. Heavenly Father was keenly aware of me and how much I could handle. He sent me my personal angel and He also allowed me to bring my baby home less than 50 hours later.
Not only is Heavenly Father aware of me, but He is aware of you too. I know this is true. He loves me. He loves you.
Zachary Has a New Sister
Dear Zachary,
Beginning on April 14, your life changed—big time. Emma was born.
I’m glad that you got a new sister; however, I’m sorry for the stress that came into your life. If I could change it, I would have.
April 14 you went with our family friends, the Mulitalos. They took care of you that night and into the next day. They are the best. They even brought you to the hospital to see us and your new baby sister. I was really sad that you could only see her through the glass. It made me sad.
I was even sadder the following two days when your sister was in the NICU and I was there in the hospital, away from you. I had this great hole in my heart because I missed you. I didn’t know I would miss you so, so much. I also felt awful because now I had two children, and I wasn’t able to take care of either one of you. It was a sad time for me.
Friday night through Wednesday, April 20, Grandma Worthen took care of you at our place. I was so glad she came. The next few days your dad was able to stay home from work for you. Even though you had consistency with Grandma and Dad, I felt like I was abandoning you every time I went to the hospital—especially when I went to the 9:00 feedings because that is your bedtime.
The biggest stress came the following week. Every day someone else babysat you for a few hours. I could tell that this was taking its toll on you. It was taking its toll on me too. I hated asking people to watch you. I hated leaving you with someone else. And I never felt comfortable enough to ask the same person to take on more days with you. Inconsistency and lack of me.
Monday, May 2, I broke down. I couldn’t do it to you anymore, and I couldn’t do the NICU anymore either. I wanted nothing more than to have both of you home, safe and sound, with me. That was the night Grandma Worthen came back. She stayed with us until May 6. You had a lot of fun with her and she took such good care of you. You should really thank her.
I’m not too sorry that I have to pay attention to Emma often. This is something that you’re going to have to learn to cope with. I love you as much as before, I just have another person to love each day too.
You make me so happy when you do want something to do with Emma. Like when you help me hold her bottle. Or when you help me burp her.
Today, though, you freaked me out when I walked into the living room and found Emma on the floor. Yes—you had moved her from the couch to the floor. Yikes! I was relieved that she wasn’t crying. You must have been careful with her, at least, that’s what I’m hoping.
Zachary, I hope you’re a good big brother. You’re such a good kid the rest of the time, I can’t imagine you won’t be a good big brother.
I love you!!!!
Your Mom
Beginning on April 14, your life changed—big time. Emma was born.
I’m glad that you got a new sister; however, I’m sorry for the stress that came into your life. If I could change it, I would have.
April 14 you went with our family friends, the Mulitalos. They took care of you that night and into the next day. They are the best. They even brought you to the hospital to see us and your new baby sister. I was really sad that you could only see her through the glass. It made me sad.
I was even sadder the following two days when your sister was in the NICU and I was there in the hospital, away from you. I had this great hole in my heart because I missed you. I didn’t know I would miss you so, so much. I also felt awful because now I had two children, and I wasn’t able to take care of either one of you. It was a sad time for me.
Friday night through Wednesday, April 20, Grandma Worthen took care of you at our place. I was so glad she came. The next few days your dad was able to stay home from work for you. Even though you had consistency with Grandma and Dad, I felt like I was abandoning you every time I went to the hospital—especially when I went to the 9:00 feedings because that is your bedtime.
The biggest stress came the following week. Every day someone else babysat you for a few hours. I could tell that this was taking its toll on you. It was taking its toll on me too. I hated asking people to watch you. I hated leaving you with someone else. And I never felt comfortable enough to ask the same person to take on more days with you. Inconsistency and lack of me.
Monday, May 2, I broke down. I couldn’t do it to you anymore, and I couldn’t do the NICU anymore either. I wanted nothing more than to have both of you home, safe and sound, with me. That was the night Grandma Worthen came back. She stayed with us until May 6. You had a lot of fun with her and she took such good care of you. You should really thank her.
I’m not too sorry that I have to pay attention to Emma often. This is something that you’re going to have to learn to cope with. I love you as much as before, I just have another person to love each day too.
You make me so happy when you do want something to do with Emma. Like when you help me hold her bottle. Or when you help me burp her.
Today, though, you freaked me out when I walked into the living room and found Emma on the floor. Yes—you had moved her from the couch to the floor. Yikes! I was relieved that she wasn’t crying. You must have been careful with her, at least, that’s what I’m hoping.
Zachary, I hope you’re a good big brother. You’re such a good kid the rest of the time, I can’t imagine you won’t be a good big brother.
I love you!!!!
Your Mom
NICU Nurses
The NICU nurses were the best and the worst. OK, I wouldn’t really say any were the “worst.” But, there were some nurses that just did not make me happy when I was there. And there were some nurses that were saints, truly saints.
Toward the beginning of the NICU stay, Emma had one nurse for two days that turned out to be my Angel. Her name was Lisa. I don’t know what her last name is—none of the name badges had last names on them.
Lisa was super happy, super smart, and super intuitive. She was aware of not only Emma’s needs, but my needs.
As I was feeding Emma one time, I overheard Lisa talking to a nursing student about being a nurse. Lisa was telling how she came to work in the NICU. The short version is that Lisa liked working with children, babies in particular, because they got better and they went home. Adults and older children—they suffered because they knew they were supposed to suffer.
That thought—these babies get better and go home—really uplifted me that day.
There were so many nurses that worked there in the NICU. If I had to guess, I would say there were probably around 80 nurses. I could be off, more or less. I’m just guessing. But we only had the same nurse (not counting consecutive days) once.
Sooooo many nurses. And yet I ran into Lisa again, and again, and again. Every time I ran into her, she asked me how Emma was doing—by name. And she always had a word of encouragement. On May 2, Lisa was the nurse that suggested I ask the doctors for a scope to see if Emma had something more serious in her throat than they were letting on. Lisa suggested (as my friend, Melanie had) that Emma might have tracheomalacia.
Some of the nurses were happy to make Emma pretty. Some of them searched for cute outfits for Emma to wear. Some of them were happy to put a new bow on her head. Others could care less.
Some of the nurses encouraged me and told me I was doing a good job. Other nurses “suggested” something better, as though I wasn’t good enough.
Some of the nurses were trying really had to help Emma help herself. Others just hooked her up to the feeding tube.
Anyway, the NICU nurses had a lot of influence on my life for 20 days. I’m so grateful for the kind and encouraging ones—so grateful.
Toward the beginning of the NICU stay, Emma had one nurse for two days that turned out to be my Angel. Her name was Lisa. I don’t know what her last name is—none of the name badges had last names on them.
Lisa was super happy, super smart, and super intuitive. She was aware of not only Emma’s needs, but my needs.
As I was feeding Emma one time, I overheard Lisa talking to a nursing student about being a nurse. Lisa was telling how she came to work in the NICU. The short version is that Lisa liked working with children, babies in particular, because they got better and they went home. Adults and older children—they suffered because they knew they were supposed to suffer.
That thought—these babies get better and go home—really uplifted me that day.
There were so many nurses that worked there in the NICU. If I had to guess, I would say there were probably around 80 nurses. I could be off, more or less. I’m just guessing. But we only had the same nurse (not counting consecutive days) once.
Sooooo many nurses. And yet I ran into Lisa again, and again, and again. Every time I ran into her, she asked me how Emma was doing—by name. And she always had a word of encouragement. On May 2, Lisa was the nurse that suggested I ask the doctors for a scope to see if Emma had something more serious in her throat than they were letting on. Lisa suggested (as my friend, Melanie had) that Emma might have tracheomalacia.
Some of the nurses were happy to make Emma pretty. Some of them searched for cute outfits for Emma to wear. Some of them were happy to put a new bow on her head. Others could care less.
Some of the nurses encouraged me and told me I was doing a good job. Other nurses “suggested” something better, as though I wasn’t good enough.
Some of the nurses were trying really had to help Emma help herself. Others just hooked her up to the feeding tube.
Anyway, the NICU nurses had a lot of influence on my life for 20 days. I’m so grateful for the kind and encouraging ones—so grateful.
Emma - One Month
Dear Emma,
You are already one month and three days old. Yup. Most of that time was spent in the stinkin’ hospital. Please don’t go back there again, okay? Thanks.
Most days I can’t see the change you have made from the day before. But, there are the occasional times that I look at you and think, “Hey! I can see that you look different than two days ago!” It’s kind of funny.
The most amazing thing to me about you is that I really think you have some control over your hands. I think you’ve had this control at least for two weeks—from the night you pulled your feeding tube out of your nose. I’ve watched you and I swear you hold your binky in your mouth, or take it out. I swear you have tried to get the oxygen tubes off your face. These things are not just once in a while—but they happen repeatedly. It’s so awesome! You are already amazing.
We hired my friend to take some pictures of you the Saturday after you got home. We’ve been able to see them and you look beautiful. I really think you are so beautiful. When you were first born, it was crazy, it was like I was looking at me when I was a baby. You looked like I looked in my baby pictures.
Oh, another amazing thing about you is that you already can move. Well, you turned clockwise 90 degrees Sunday afternoon when I had you on the floor. The picture here shows how you ended up, but you started out parallel with the stripes on the blanket.
Yesterday as I was looking at you, I thought, “Hey! You’re starting to look like your daddy too!” I think that’s great, especially since I have a hard time seeing me in Zachary.
You’re a very sleepy baby. Most of the time I have to wake you up to feed you. I don’t mind when you wake up and eat. It does make me sad when I can’t get you to wake up. I like having eye contact with you.
I’m so glad you’re home with us. Not only am I glad you’re home from the NICU, but I’m simply glad you are in our family. I already love the idea of having two children, two wonderful children.
Thanks for being my girl, my pretty Pearl.
Love,
Your Mom
You are already one month and three days old. Yup. Most of that time was spent in the stinkin’ hospital. Please don’t go back there again, okay? Thanks.
Most days I can’t see the change you have made from the day before. But, there are the occasional times that I look at you and think, “Hey! I can see that you look different than two days ago!” It’s kind of funny.
The most amazing thing to me about you is that I really think you have some control over your hands. I think you’ve had this control at least for two weeks—from the night you pulled your feeding tube out of your nose. I’ve watched you and I swear you hold your binky in your mouth, or take it out. I swear you have tried to get the oxygen tubes off your face. These things are not just once in a while—but they happen repeatedly. It’s so awesome! You are already amazing.
We hired my friend to take some pictures of you the Saturday after you got home. We’ve been able to see them and you look beautiful. I really think you are so beautiful. When you were first born, it was crazy, it was like I was looking at me when I was a baby. You looked like I looked in my baby pictures.
Oh, another amazing thing about you is that you already can move. Well, you turned clockwise 90 degrees Sunday afternoon when I had you on the floor. The picture here shows how you ended up, but you started out parallel with the stripes on the blanket.
Yesterday as I was looking at you, I thought, “Hey! You’re starting to look like your daddy too!” I think that’s great, especially since I have a hard time seeing me in Zachary.
You’re a very sleepy baby. Most of the time I have to wake you up to feed you. I don’t mind when you wake up and eat. It does make me sad when I can’t get you to wake up. I like having eye contact with you.
I’m so glad you’re home with us. Not only am I glad you’re home from the NICU, but I’m simply glad you are in our family. I already love the idea of having two children, two wonderful children.
Thanks for being my girl, my pretty Pearl.
Love,
Your Mom
Monday, May 16, 2011
Emma in the NICU
Emma has been home from the hospital for thirteen days now. Thirteen. But, she was in the hospital, in the NICU, for 20 days. Yes, one day short of three whole weeks.
It was MISERABLE.
Long story short: She went in because of breathing problems. She stayed there because of eating problems. She left there with an informally diagnosed breathing problem: tracheomalacia. This will supposedly clear up as she gets bigger and stronger. She came home on 1/32 liters of oxygen.
Long story L O N G (for journal purposes):
I’ve had people tell me to be grateful we have NICUs these days. I’m glad. Yes. But, I’m not exactly sure Emma really needed to be there.
When she was first born, they didn’t let her spend too much time with me in the delivery room. Sad. I wanted to try to nurse her as soon as I could. But, they took her to the nursery because she seemed like she was wheezing a bit. They didn’t bring her to me for a long time.
Actually, Mark and I got to go give her her first bath in the nursery about five hours after she was born. After her bath, they FINALLY let me have her in my room.
It was at this time that I finally tried nursing her for the first time. She did pretty good. But, she seemed like she was having a hard time breathing. She was wheezing and kind of stuttering.
I called the nursery and asked them what they thought about that. They said they would come listen to her. Emma’s nurse came in. She agreed that Emma didn’t sound right. She said she was going to take Emma back to the nursery and they would evaluate her there. I was sad.
A little while later, the nurse brought her back to my room. She said they had decided something was wrong and that Emma needed to go to the NICU. She said they thought maybe Emma had swallowed some amniotic fluid and/or that she didn’t have enough time in labor to have the contractions loosen up her lungs. These were both causes of concern for a newborn.
I asked the nurse if we could have a few minutes alone with Emma before she took Emma to the NICU. I had Mark give Emma a blessing. The blessing promised Emma would be okay and she would be able to come home with us soon.
Turns out “soon” is a relative word. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 100-year-old person is definitely quick. “Soon” in the lifetime of an infant is not, it’s quite the opposite. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 32-year-old shouldn’t be a bother for 20 days. But, it was. Twenty days was too, too long.
When Emma was first taken into the NICU, they said it would likely be three days. At least, for the given diagnosis, three days was typical. At first Emma was just lying in an open warming bed, not in a full incubator, not in an open hospital “crib.” She didn’t have oxygen on her, she didn’t have an IV, she didn’t have anything on her except her diaper and some monitors that all NICU babies have.
I spent one extra day at the hospital—but not under nurse/doctor supervision. This extra day was because Emma was still in the NICU.
The next day they put her on an IV. The IV was both a type of “food” and calcium, and some antibiotics. The food kept her from needing to eat. I started pumping on April 15 so that Emma could have her liquid gold.
They also put her on oxygen when they put the IV in her.
A couple days later (sorry, I don’t remember which day it was—on or before April 18), they put an “NG tube” down her nose to her stomach. They said she wasn’t eating from a bottle from the nurses and they weren’t satisfied with my attempts to nurse her. They pumped my breast milk down the tube—forcing food into her.
About the same time they put her under bili lights because she was starting to get jaundiced. This did not concern me too much, as it seems so many babies get jaundice (like Zachary). She was only under the bili lights for two days.
The IV drip was something they were trying to “wean” her from but her vitals and weight were indicating she “needed” it. They had a number on her IV machine that fluctuated. It started at a 14, went down to a 7, went back up to a 15, then down to 5, back up to 18. It took a while to wean her.
They tried to start the IV in her right hand, but they couldn’t get it. So then they put it in her left hand. Then they put it in her feet, right then left. Then in her head, right then left sides. I hated that IV. A lot.
In the 20 days she was in the NICU, the lowest weight she hit was 6 pounds 14 ounces. Her final weight leaving the NICU was 7 pounds 4 ounces.
On April 22, they moved her from Room 2 to Room 1. I asked if that meant anything. They told me it didn’t. But, I was trying to be optimistic and hoped that it did. The babies in Room 2 seemed to be smaller on average and seemed to be under more intensive care than those found in Room 1. In fact, the morning we first found Emma in Room 1, two babies were getting ready to go home with their parents.
Overall, the NICU stay was really hard and painful. I went home on Sunday, April 17 without my baby. I went to the hospital as often as I possibly could. Most days I went three times. There were some days I went four times. And there were some days I went five times. It all depended on who was with Zachary. (That’s a whole different post.)
I would pump when I came home from the hospital. I would pump before I went to the hospital if it had been long enough. I pumped, I made hospital visits, I tried to sleep, I took Zachary to yet another person’s house, I felt helpless. From the beginning, Emma had been on a feeding schedule: 3:00, 6:00, 9:00, 12:00—both am and pm. Most of the time, I went to her 9:00 am, her 3:00 pm, and her 9:00 pm feedings.
Sunday, April 24, I took Zachary to church and dropped him off. I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding. I made it back to church for sacrament meeting. A lot of people talked to me and offered sympathy. I cried a bit here and there. Stress + crying = headache. When I was driving home from her 3:00 feeding that afternoon, I started getting cold chills. Like, from the time I left the hospital to the time I got home, they went from a couple to practically continuous. My headache was major. I knew I had mastitis.
Mastitis.
Ugh. I called my doctor’s office to leave a message for the on-call physician. Turned out to be my doctor. He called me and talked to me. He called in a prescription for me. Mark went to Emma’s 6:00 feeding. My friend, Melanie, picked up my prescription and came to entertain Zachary here at our house while I burned through my fever.
It took me a couple days to feel better. I was unable to visit Emma very much on Monday, April 25. I just felt awful. I took that day to recover. Turns out, women who are under a lot of stress, not eating regularly, and/or who are pumping/nursing at irregular intervals are VERY susceptible to mastitis. All of those things would be ME.
The doctors wouldn’t/couldn’t tell us when Emma would be coming home with us. They told us that they wouldn’t discharge her until she was eating all her meals orally, wasn’t losing weight (so she could be maintaining or gaining), and be off oxygen or low enough that they could send us home with oxygen tanks.
Mark and I finally had a “Care Conference” on Friday, April 29. That’s a meeting with the NICU doctor, the case worker, and the head nurse. (Emma’s doctor was one of three doctors, just depending on who was at the hospital that day. And the head nurse was different too, depending on the day.)
At the Care Conference, Mark and I expressed our concerns. I cried, even though I tried not to. Mark didn’t say as much as I thought he would—especially considering he was the one who was angry about the NICU stay. The only thing we really decided at the conference was that Emma’s nurses should, at a minimum, TRY to feed her orally. A lot of times they were “conserving her energy” and just immediately sending her milk down her tube.
The other thing that they talked to us about at the Care Conference was that they had a room for NICU parents to use, a “hotel” room of sorts. They suggested I do a 24-hour stay at the hospital and prove to everyone, us, the nurses, the doctors, that Emma really does respond best to me. Eight feedings in a row.
So, starting with her 9:00 am feeding on Saturday, April 30, I was there with Emma for every feeding. She did GREAT! When she wouldn’t nurse, or when she would fight me, I would give her a bottle. It was strange being there in the middle of the night. But, she’s my baby and I’m glad that I had that opportunity.
At the midnight feeding, Emma reached up with her right index finger and slowly grasped and pulled the NG tube right out of her nose. It freaked me out. I called the nurse over. She looked at it, said, “Yup, she sure did.” Then she said that we might as well take the stickers off since our goal is to have Emma without the feeding tube. So, Emma’s ugly sticker mustache was gone along with the feeding tube. Hooray!!!
Sunday, May 1, the doctor told me he was so proud of both of us. He told me that if Emma did that good for another day, we could expect to take her home Tuesday or Wednesday.
Turns out, Emma is a stinker. She did NOT do that good the next 24 hours. She didn’t even do that good when I was there to feed her.
Monday morning, the doctor there (a different one from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) told me Emma was still struggling with eating and that we should “wait.” WAIT. The doctor said Emma might be in the NICU another week, maybe even more than that.
It was also at this point that the doctor, because I had to ask her, admitted she thought there was something else going on with Emma’s breathing which affects her eating. Tracheomalacia. That is when the rings in her trachea are weak and collapse a bit on her. It makes breathing a bit more difficult, and breathing is important when eating. It affects the suck, swallow, breath rhythm. Tracheomalacia is supposed to clear up when the trachea matures. I don’t know how long that’s supposed to be.
My friend, Melanie, had said weeks before that she was pretty sure Emma had tracheomalacia. Why hadn’t the doctors mentioned it before? That’s what I’d like to know. Melanie had first noticed it because of Emma’s striderous breathing. Emma still has raspy breathing, even today.
When I left the NICU that morning, I cried. I called Mark. He didn’t seem to know how to help, so I felt even more miserable. I texted my mom and asked if there was any way she could come stay with us again. She had already spent four days with us right after Emma was born. But, I needed her again. I NEEDED someone to come stay with us for Zachary’s sake. I was at a breaking point.
Within minutes, my mom called and said she could come. I bawled when I was talking to her on the phone. I need MY mommy. Dad and McKayla brought her up Monday night. My dad and my mom met me at the door with comforting hugs when I got home from Emma’s 9:00 pm feeding that night.
Tuesday morning, when I showed up for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding, the doctor informed me that if Emma gained weight by that evening, Emma could come home with us Wednesday.
IS THAT CRAZY? The morning before the doctor, the same doctor, told me to “wait” for possibly a couple more weeks. That morning she was telling me that Emma could go home with me the next day. Apparently, Emma had gained weight and had eaten every feeding orally for more than a day and a half. This was such exciting news, a complete reversal of the day before.
They informed me that Mark and I had to learn how to do oxygen tanks, because Emma would be coming home with us on oxygen. We scheduled a 5:00 pm appointment with the oxygen provider. They were supposed to come meet us at the hospital.
Mark and I got to the hospital that night a few minutes early. We waited. And waited. And waited. The nurses were upset. The case worker was upset. Everyone was upset. Mark and I waited. Mom called me about 5:45 and said that the oxygen provider representative was at our place—at the condo! DUH. That ticked the nurses and everyone off.
So, I fed Emma while we waited for the ditz to come to the hospital. When she finally got there, it was like 6:30. She wasn’t even prepared. She didn’t know the equipment. She didn’t have a good billing statement. She was scattered. The nurses kicked us out at 7:00 even though we weren’t done with all the paperwork. But, Mark and I were happy—we were taking our baby home the next morning!
May 4, 2011, I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding—and to take my baby home. Mark was at work. Mom was with Zachary. Life was GREAT!!!!
It was MISERABLE.
Long story short: She went in because of breathing problems. She stayed there because of eating problems. She left there with an informally diagnosed breathing problem: tracheomalacia. This will supposedly clear up as she gets bigger and stronger. She came home on 1/32 liters of oxygen.
Long story L O N G (for journal purposes):
I’ve had people tell me to be grateful we have NICUs these days. I’m glad. Yes. But, I’m not exactly sure Emma really needed to be there.
When she was first born, they didn’t let her spend too much time with me in the delivery room. Sad. I wanted to try to nurse her as soon as I could. But, they took her to the nursery because she seemed like she was wheezing a bit. They didn’t bring her to me for a long time.
Actually, Mark and I got to go give her her first bath in the nursery about five hours after she was born. After her bath, they FINALLY let me have her in my room.
It was at this time that I finally tried nursing her for the first time. She did pretty good. But, she seemed like she was having a hard time breathing. She was wheezing and kind of stuttering.
I called the nursery and asked them what they thought about that. They said they would come listen to her. Emma’s nurse came in. She agreed that Emma didn’t sound right. She said she was going to take Emma back to the nursery and they would evaluate her there. I was sad.
A little while later, the nurse brought her back to my room. She said they had decided something was wrong and that Emma needed to go to the NICU. She said they thought maybe Emma had swallowed some amniotic fluid and/or that she didn’t have enough time in labor to have the contractions loosen up her lungs. These were both causes of concern for a newborn.
I asked the nurse if we could have a few minutes alone with Emma before she took Emma to the NICU. I had Mark give Emma a blessing. The blessing promised Emma would be okay and she would be able to come home with us soon.
Turns out “soon” is a relative word. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 100-year-old person is definitely quick. “Soon” in the lifetime of an infant is not, it’s quite the opposite. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 32-year-old shouldn’t be a bother for 20 days. But, it was. Twenty days was too, too long.
When Emma was first taken into the NICU, they said it would likely be three days. At least, for the given diagnosis, three days was typical. At first Emma was just lying in an open warming bed, not in a full incubator, not in an open hospital “crib.” She didn’t have oxygen on her, she didn’t have an IV, she didn’t have anything on her except her diaper and some monitors that all NICU babies have.
I spent one extra day at the hospital—but not under nurse/doctor supervision. This extra day was because Emma was still in the NICU.
The next day they put her on an IV. The IV was both a type of “food” and calcium, and some antibiotics. The food kept her from needing to eat. I started pumping on April 15 so that Emma could have her liquid gold.
They also put her on oxygen when they put the IV in her.
A couple days later (sorry, I don’t remember which day it was—on or before April 18), they put an “NG tube” down her nose to her stomach. They said she wasn’t eating from a bottle from the nurses and they weren’t satisfied with my attempts to nurse her. They pumped my breast milk down the tube—forcing food into her.
About the same time they put her under bili lights because she was starting to get jaundiced. This did not concern me too much, as it seems so many babies get jaundice (like Zachary). She was only under the bili lights for two days.
The IV drip was something they were trying to “wean” her from but her vitals and weight were indicating she “needed” it. They had a number on her IV machine that fluctuated. It started at a 14, went down to a 7, went back up to a 15, then down to 5, back up to 18. It took a while to wean her.
They tried to start the IV in her right hand, but they couldn’t get it. So then they put it in her left hand. Then they put it in her feet, right then left. Then in her head, right then left sides. I hated that IV. A lot.
In the 20 days she was in the NICU, the lowest weight she hit was 6 pounds 14 ounces. Her final weight leaving the NICU was 7 pounds 4 ounces.
On April 22, they moved her from Room 2 to Room 1. I asked if that meant anything. They told me it didn’t. But, I was trying to be optimistic and hoped that it did. The babies in Room 2 seemed to be smaller on average and seemed to be under more intensive care than those found in Room 1. In fact, the morning we first found Emma in Room 1, two babies were getting ready to go home with their parents.
Overall, the NICU stay was really hard and painful. I went home on Sunday, April 17 without my baby. I went to the hospital as often as I possibly could. Most days I went three times. There were some days I went four times. And there were some days I went five times. It all depended on who was with Zachary. (That’s a whole different post.)
I would pump when I came home from the hospital. I would pump before I went to the hospital if it had been long enough. I pumped, I made hospital visits, I tried to sleep, I took Zachary to yet another person’s house, I felt helpless. From the beginning, Emma had been on a feeding schedule: 3:00, 6:00, 9:00, 12:00—both am and pm. Most of the time, I went to her 9:00 am, her 3:00 pm, and her 9:00 pm feedings.
Sunday, April 24, I took Zachary to church and dropped him off. I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding. I made it back to church for sacrament meeting. A lot of people talked to me and offered sympathy. I cried a bit here and there. Stress + crying = headache. When I was driving home from her 3:00 feeding that afternoon, I started getting cold chills. Like, from the time I left the hospital to the time I got home, they went from a couple to practically continuous. My headache was major. I knew I had mastitis.
Mastitis.
Ugh. I called my doctor’s office to leave a message for the on-call physician. Turned out to be my doctor. He called me and talked to me. He called in a prescription for me. Mark went to Emma’s 6:00 feeding. My friend, Melanie, picked up my prescription and came to entertain Zachary here at our house while I burned through my fever.
It took me a couple days to feel better. I was unable to visit Emma very much on Monday, April 25. I just felt awful. I took that day to recover. Turns out, women who are under a lot of stress, not eating regularly, and/or who are pumping/nursing at irregular intervals are VERY susceptible to mastitis. All of those things would be ME.
The doctors wouldn’t/couldn’t tell us when Emma would be coming home with us. They told us that they wouldn’t discharge her until she was eating all her meals orally, wasn’t losing weight (so she could be maintaining or gaining), and be off oxygen or low enough that they could send us home with oxygen tanks.
Mark and I finally had a “Care Conference” on Friday, April 29. That’s a meeting with the NICU doctor, the case worker, and the head nurse. (Emma’s doctor was one of three doctors, just depending on who was at the hospital that day. And the head nurse was different too, depending on the day.)
At the Care Conference, Mark and I expressed our concerns. I cried, even though I tried not to. Mark didn’t say as much as I thought he would—especially considering he was the one who was angry about the NICU stay. The only thing we really decided at the conference was that Emma’s nurses should, at a minimum, TRY to feed her orally. A lot of times they were “conserving her energy” and just immediately sending her milk down her tube.
The other thing that they talked to us about at the Care Conference was that they had a room for NICU parents to use, a “hotel” room of sorts. They suggested I do a 24-hour stay at the hospital and prove to everyone, us, the nurses, the doctors, that Emma really does respond best to me. Eight feedings in a row.
So, starting with her 9:00 am feeding on Saturday, April 30, I was there with Emma for every feeding. She did GREAT! When she wouldn’t nurse, or when she would fight me, I would give her a bottle. It was strange being there in the middle of the night. But, she’s my baby and I’m glad that I had that opportunity.
At the midnight feeding, Emma reached up with her right index finger and slowly grasped and pulled the NG tube right out of her nose. It freaked me out. I called the nurse over. She looked at it, said, “Yup, she sure did.” Then she said that we might as well take the stickers off since our goal is to have Emma without the feeding tube. So, Emma’s ugly sticker mustache was gone along with the feeding tube. Hooray!!!
Sunday, May 1, the doctor told me he was so proud of both of us. He told me that if Emma did that good for another day, we could expect to take her home Tuesday or Wednesday.
Turns out, Emma is a stinker. She did NOT do that good the next 24 hours. She didn’t even do that good when I was there to feed her.
Monday morning, the doctor there (a different one from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) told me Emma was still struggling with eating and that we should “wait.” WAIT. The doctor said Emma might be in the NICU another week, maybe even more than that.
It was also at this point that the doctor, because I had to ask her, admitted she thought there was something else going on with Emma’s breathing which affects her eating. Tracheomalacia. That is when the rings in her trachea are weak and collapse a bit on her. It makes breathing a bit more difficult, and breathing is important when eating. It affects the suck, swallow, breath rhythm. Tracheomalacia is supposed to clear up when the trachea matures. I don’t know how long that’s supposed to be.
My friend, Melanie, had said weeks before that she was pretty sure Emma had tracheomalacia. Why hadn’t the doctors mentioned it before? That’s what I’d like to know. Melanie had first noticed it because of Emma’s striderous breathing. Emma still has raspy breathing, even today.
When I left the NICU that morning, I cried. I called Mark. He didn’t seem to know how to help, so I felt even more miserable. I texted my mom and asked if there was any way she could come stay with us again. She had already spent four days with us right after Emma was born. But, I needed her again. I NEEDED someone to come stay with us for Zachary’s sake. I was at a breaking point.
Within minutes, my mom called and said she could come. I bawled when I was talking to her on the phone. I need MY mommy. Dad and McKayla brought her up Monday night. My dad and my mom met me at the door with comforting hugs when I got home from Emma’s 9:00 pm feeding that night.
Tuesday morning, when I showed up for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding, the doctor informed me that if Emma gained weight by that evening, Emma could come home with us Wednesday.
IS THAT CRAZY? The morning before the doctor, the same doctor, told me to “wait” for possibly a couple more weeks. That morning she was telling me that Emma could go home with me the next day. Apparently, Emma had gained weight and had eaten every feeding orally for more than a day and a half. This was such exciting news, a complete reversal of the day before.
They informed me that Mark and I had to learn how to do oxygen tanks, because Emma would be coming home with us on oxygen. We scheduled a 5:00 pm appointment with the oxygen provider. They were supposed to come meet us at the hospital.
Mark and I got to the hospital that night a few minutes early. We waited. And waited. And waited. The nurses were upset. The case worker was upset. Everyone was upset. Mark and I waited. Mom called me about 5:45 and said that the oxygen provider representative was at our place—at the condo! DUH. That ticked the nurses and everyone off.
So, I fed Emma while we waited for the ditz to come to the hospital. When she finally got there, it was like 6:30. She wasn’t even prepared. She didn’t know the equipment. She didn’t have a good billing statement. She was scattered. The nurses kicked us out at 7:00 even though we weren’t done with all the paperwork. But, Mark and I were happy—we were taking our baby home the next morning!
May 4, 2011, I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding—and to take my baby home. Mark was at work. Mom was with Zachary. Life was GREAT!!!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Welcome Emma Pearl!
Emma Pearl Hales was born at 4:14 pm on Thursday, April 14, 2011 (4/14). According to the delivery room nurses, she was 18.5 inches long (though I have my doubts about that). She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. She is seriously one of the prettiest babies I think I’ve ever seen.
The following is an edited email I wrote to my friend, Michelle. I wrote this email on April 15, when I was optimistic about NICU things.
**********
So, um, yah, we had a baby yesterday. We had a little girl. And I am in love with her.
We are naming her Emma Pearl.
Emma is and will be in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) until probably Sunday. I get sent home tomorrow. She is breathing fast and shallow. They think it's because (1) she swallowed some amniotic fluid when she came out and (2) since the delivery was SOOOO fast, the contractions didn't have time to help loosen up the gunk in her lungs.
She's not on oxygen. She is hooked up to an IV. She's sleeping a lot. Her color is great. Her temperature is fine. She's just irregular with her breathing.
She came SUPER FAST. Like, I wasn't even timing my contractions until probably starting about 2:00 pm. I woke up at 4:30 am with a contraction. It was like, “Oh, a real contraction.” But, it was mild. I had four more contractions before I fell back asleep an hour later.
Throughout the morning I had contractions. But SO sporadically, and some were really mild while others made me blanch with the pain. I went shopping at Wal-Mart. I went to visit Mark at his office. I got some new makeup from the Mary Kay lady. I went to a lingerie shop and got me some new nursing bras.
Zachary and I got home about noon. I fed Zachary lunch. He had fallen asleep on the ride home from the office so he was bouncing around after he ate some food. I finally got him to fall asleep at 2:00. I had texted Mark about a half hour earlier and told him to come home. He came in the door minutes after I put Zachary down.
I tried to take a nap because I was tired. But, the contractions woke me up. I only confirmed that we needed to go to the hospital probably about 3:15. Our friend got to our place about 3:30 to be with Zachary. We got to the hospital about 3:50. They got my first contraction timed at 4:00. Emma came at 4:14.
Previously I had said that I wanted to go natural if I could. Then the contractions were so painful I told Mark I wanted an epidural as soon as we got to the hospital. Um—no. Um—just help her come (PUSH!). Um—OUCH.
But, honestly, I was (am) super proud of myself. Honestly, I feel a lot better right now than I did a day after Zachary was born. Honestly, what a rush. Honestly, what a weird feeling (I can tell you how it felt if you really want to know). Honestly, I tried to watch her come out, but I missed it. I had my eyes closed. I saw her head come almost half way out, but then my next push I was closing my eyes in concentration and pain.
She was born at 4:14 pm on 4/14. She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. She was 18.5 inches. [A friend of mine pointed out that 1+8+5=14. Lots of 14s.] I was 37 weeks + 1 day. So, she was “full term,” but three weeks early.
Oh, and my doctor, Dr. Roth, didn’t make it to the hospital in time. No surprise there—since Emma came so fast. They had the on-site doctor run in the room to deliver her and then sew me up. I had to ask later who delivered Emma. I think her name was…oh, wait, I can’t remember any more. I’ll have to look her name up when I get around to getting Emma’s birth certificate. A few hours after I had been moved to the recovery room, I had to ask a nurse to find the doctor’s name.
It's super, super weird. I have two children, but neither one of them is with me right now. I can't believe how much I miss Zachary. I didn't realize I would feel like this. And I feel so helpless about Emma being in the NICU. I really wish I could be with her all the time, but I can't.
The second pregnancy for me was SOOOOO different. I gained like 20 pounds. I gained like 40 with Zachary. I couldn't wear my wedding ring with Zachary at month four. I've put it on and taken it off every day with this pregnancy. I had pregnancy induced hypertension with Zachary. I didn't experience that hardly at all with this one. But, (according to my self diagnosis) I had too much relaxin in my system. That totally made my pelvis and legs ache, ache, ache. Hurt. Walking: only as much as needed. Exercising: no thanks. Stretching: um, that's going to make it worse. Turning over in bed: MISERABLE.
I'm still having a hard time with my legs and pelvis today.
But, my tear is nothing like it was with Zachary. I only had a 2nd degree tear this time.
So, there you have it! I'm a mommy twice over now!
The following is an edited email I wrote to my friend, Michelle. I wrote this email on April 15, when I was optimistic about NICU things.
**********
So, um, yah, we had a baby yesterday. We had a little girl. And I am in love with her.
We are naming her Emma Pearl.
Emma is and will be in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) until probably Sunday. I get sent home tomorrow. She is breathing fast and shallow. They think it's because (1) she swallowed some amniotic fluid when she came out and (2) since the delivery was SOOOO fast, the contractions didn't have time to help loosen up the gunk in her lungs.
She's not on oxygen. She is hooked up to an IV. She's sleeping a lot. Her color is great. Her temperature is fine. She's just irregular with her breathing.
She came SUPER FAST. Like, I wasn't even timing my contractions until probably starting about 2:00 pm. I woke up at 4:30 am with a contraction. It was like, “Oh, a real contraction.” But, it was mild. I had four more contractions before I fell back asleep an hour later.
Throughout the morning I had contractions. But SO sporadically, and some were really mild while others made me blanch with the pain. I went shopping at Wal-Mart. I went to visit Mark at his office. I got some new makeup from the Mary Kay lady. I went to a lingerie shop and got me some new nursing bras.
Zachary and I got home about noon. I fed Zachary lunch. He had fallen asleep on the ride home from the office so he was bouncing around after he ate some food. I finally got him to fall asleep at 2:00. I had texted Mark about a half hour earlier and told him to come home. He came in the door minutes after I put Zachary down.
I tried to take a nap because I was tired. But, the contractions woke me up. I only confirmed that we needed to go to the hospital probably about 3:15. Our friend got to our place about 3:30 to be with Zachary. We got to the hospital about 3:50. They got my first contraction timed at 4:00. Emma came at 4:14.
Previously I had said that I wanted to go natural if I could. Then the contractions were so painful I told Mark I wanted an epidural as soon as we got to the hospital. Um—no. Um—just help her come (PUSH!). Um—OUCH.
But, honestly, I was (am) super proud of myself. Honestly, I feel a lot better right now than I did a day after Zachary was born. Honestly, what a rush. Honestly, what a weird feeling (I can tell you how it felt if you really want to know). Honestly, I tried to watch her come out, but I missed it. I had my eyes closed. I saw her head come almost half way out, but then my next push I was closing my eyes in concentration and pain.
She was born at 4:14 pm on 4/14. She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. She was 18.5 inches. [A friend of mine pointed out that 1+8+5=14. Lots of 14s.] I was 37 weeks + 1 day. So, she was “full term,” but three weeks early.
Oh, and my doctor, Dr. Roth, didn’t make it to the hospital in time. No surprise there—since Emma came so fast. They had the on-site doctor run in the room to deliver her and then sew me up. I had to ask later who delivered Emma. I think her name was…oh, wait, I can’t remember any more. I’ll have to look her name up when I get around to getting Emma’s birth certificate. A few hours after I had been moved to the recovery room, I had to ask a nurse to find the doctor’s name.
It's super, super weird. I have two children, but neither one of them is with me right now. I can't believe how much I miss Zachary. I didn't realize I would feel like this. And I feel so helpless about Emma being in the NICU. I really wish I could be with her all the time, but I can't.
The second pregnancy for me was SOOOOO different. I gained like 20 pounds. I gained like 40 with Zachary. I couldn't wear my wedding ring with Zachary at month four. I've put it on and taken it off every day with this pregnancy. I had pregnancy induced hypertension with Zachary. I didn't experience that hardly at all with this one. But, (according to my self diagnosis) I had too much relaxin in my system. That totally made my pelvis and legs ache, ache, ache. Hurt. Walking: only as much as needed. Exercising: no thanks. Stretching: um, that's going to make it worse. Turning over in bed: MISERABLE.
I'm still having a hard time with my legs and pelvis today.
But, my tear is nothing like it was with Zachary. I only had a 2nd degree tear this time.
So, there you have it! I'm a mommy twice over now!
Baby Bump #2
So, I didn't think I was going to have a baby on April 14, 2011. But, I did. I was so sure that I wasn't, that I went ahead and took my weekly picture. Here's the proof. The final picture was taken at 12:55. Emma Pearl came into this world at 4:14 pm. 
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)