A Week of Emotional and Physical Madness

This last week has been emotionally and physically maddening to me.

Emotional Madness
So, obviously, from the previous posts, you can see that Mark’s father passed away. [I know Mark’s sisters and mom read this blog, so this comment is to you, my Hales family: I’m being fully honest because this is my record.] Ron’s passing has been much harder on Mark than me—but Mark’s reaction, his sadness and loss, have been almost devastating to me. I so wish that I could console Mark.

When Mark found out his dad was on life support, the thing that broke my heart was when Mark said, “I just want my dad to hold his grandson.” Yah, I understand that. And I wanted that too. I really, really did.

Mark and the family had a conference call on Sunday night, August 23. They talked about the “what ifs” that they didn’t want to talk about. They concluded that they would wait to see how Ron reacted to the machines and how strong his body was before they made any ultimate decision on turning the machines off.

Mark was distraught all day on Monday. And even on Tuesday, he was just miserable. His sister, Karen, was intending to drive up to Washington to be with Kathryn for a few days. Karen was planning on leaving Wednesday night (she was going to stop in Idaho at her in-laws’ place to break up the long drive).

I had been telling Mark that he needed to go. I just felt that he really needed to be there—for BOTH of his parents. But, Mark didn’t want to leave me. Understandably. I mean, at that point, I was 36 weeks. I just kept feeling like he needed to go. Mark was so miserable, too, that he wasn’t talking to me. I finally said to him, “Well, Mark, I’m not going to talk to you anymore because you’re not talking to me. I don’t know what else to say.”

A few minutes later, instead of responding to me directly, Mark picked up his cell phone and called Karen. He said he would like to drive up with her Wednesday. Almost immediately, Mark’s countenance changed, and he seemed relieved. I could tell he knew he was making a good decision.

So, after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and finding that there was no immediate need for Mark to stay with me, Mark left with Karen. They got to Yakima on Thursday. Mark said that Ron didn’t look good. But, I could tell every time that Mark talked to me on the phone that he was glad he was there in Washington.

That day, Thursday, Mark told me that Ron’s kidneys had started failing. Friday, August 28, they learned that Ron’s heart was failing too. His blood pressure and heart rate had been falling slowly throughout the week. After another quick family conference call, the family decided and agreed that it wasn’t worth keeping Ron on life support when he really wasn’t there anymore.

Mark was blessed to be able to give Ron a final priesthood blessing.

They turned the machines off. Within a half hour, Ron was gone.

I wanted so badly to be there to comfort Mark. It was painful for me to not be there. It still is.

Mark has been in Washington since the 27th. I miss him so much. I don’t like being pregnant and single.

I called my doctor’s office as soon as Ron passed and got a recommendation on whether or not it would be safe for me to go. They told me that it would probably be okay and gave me instructions on taking care of myself. It took a while for the family to decide when to have the funeral. As soon as the day and time were decided, Mark and I booked me a plane ticket to Seattle so I could go.

Well, since the ticket was booked for Wednesday night, September 2, I went to my regularly scheduled Wednesday appointment. My doctor asked about what happened to Ron and he checked me out. He asked me questions about how I’m feeling and everything. And, then he gave me advice: don’t go. He said I’m too close to my due date. He was very kind about it—but he said not to go. He asked if I would like a note to give to Delta. I said yes. He wrote, “To Whom It May Concern: I have advised Ms. Hales not to fly due to her advanced gestational age of 37 weeks.” In other words, he didn’t want to be responsible for my health if I wasn’t going to listen to his advice.

Being crushed, but actually feeling like he was probably right, I called Mark and I cried. I so wanted to see Mark that night. I miss him a lot. Talking to him on the phone is not the same. I don’t know how couples can stand being apart from each other for long times, because I am hating being apart from Mark and it has only been a week.

The funeral was yesterday. Mark sounded quite happy about it. He said it was a nice service. He said a lot of people came. And, he’s been able to be with people he loves dearly.

I guess that’s another reason I wanted to be there—to be with family. It’s kind of not fair that I’m home alone and Mark has family around him.

But, I have experienced a lot of support this week. Honestly.

Mark received a blessing this week from his mom's bishop up there. I think that’s who he said. Anyway, the blessing was comforting to Mark. And, Mark said, vicariously, the blessing included me—that there would be angels round about me to help me at this time too.

There have been angels round about me. I’m trying to be grateful for them. I am grateful for them. But, I really miss my Mark.

I think there have been angels taking care of me that I cannot see. And, I know there are angels here that I can see, that I can talk to.

Wednesday night, after I was devastated by the doctor’s recommendation, two of my friends came to visit me and they brought me a Slurpee. Apparently they had scheduled a walk a couple nights before—and yet when they got together, they both suggested to the other that they should go visit me. I don’t know if they know how much I appreciate their love.

There have been other friends and family who have called, emailed, and text messaged me to show their love. I don’t know if I can explain how grateful I am for these people. I’ve needed them—and they have been here for me.

Physical Madness
The day after Mark left, I noticed a rash on the outside edge of my left hand—the area between my pinky and my wrist. It itched like the dickens.

At first I thought it might be bug bites. And I really thought it was bugs when it appeared to spread across the top of my left hand and then appeared on my right hand and the tops of both of my feet. I think because I scratched the rash so soon, the little bumps were “popped” making them look like bug bites even more.

A friend at work said I might have bed bugs. How convenient.

I researched bed bugs for a little bit on the internet. The description of bed bug bites and my hands didn’t seem to correspond. And we have a pretty clean little condo, so that didn’t seem to make sense. Though, I have heard of bed bugs going from unit to unit (or apartment to apartment) in buildings. So, I didn’t discount that option entirely.

Wednesday, the same day my doctor told me not to go to Washington, I showed him my hands. He looked at it for a few seconds and concluded that I have (I’m pretty sure this is the diagnosis he gave me) Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP), also known as polymorphic eruption of pregnancy. If he didn’t give me that diagnosis, he gave me the diagnosis of papular eruptions of pregnancy. I can’t remember which--because all of those terms are foreign to me. He gave me a prescription for some hydrocortisone cream.

I filled it Wednesday night. It doesn’t really seem to be relieving the madness—which has now spread to other parts of my body as well.

According to the few websites I have read regarding PUPPP, the best solution may be steroid cream, or if necessary, some kind of oral steroids. According to one website regarding popular eruptions of pregnancy, it says, “Even more rare than PUPPP is a skin condition called prurigo of pregnancy (or papular eruptions of pregnancy), which is characterized by many tiny bumps that may look like bug bites. These eruptions can occur anywhere on your body, but you're most likely to get them on your hands, feet, arms, and legs.”

Get this…

* PUPPP most often affects women in their ninth month of pregnancy (ME!).
* PUPPP most often affects women who are carrying their first child (ME!).
* PUPPP most often affects women who are carrying boys (ME!).

Yah, I think that’s what I have. And it’s making me go insane. The websites also say that the itching usually starts with abdominal itching around the 34th or the 35th week of gestation. Um, yah—I didn’t get stretch marks until the 34th week—and then they came on with such a vengeance and were so itchy that I’ve been miserable since then.

The good news is—PUPPP and papular eruptions of pregnancy usually go away pretty quickly after delivering. And, the other good news is there are no associated complications to mother or baby. Whew!

Let’s hope I don’t have to deal with this for much longer as I might end up scratching off all of my skin. Boo.

Gladly, Mark comes home tomorrow. Yay!