Zachary Has a New Sister

Dear Zachary,

Beginning on April 14, your life changed—big time. Emma was born.

I’m glad that you got a new sister; however, I’m sorry for the stress that came into your life. If I could change it, I would have.

April 14 you went with our family friends, the Mulitalos. They took care of you that night and into the next day. They are the best. They even brought you to the hospital to see us and your new baby sister. I was really sad that you could only see her through the glass. It made me sad.

I was even sadder the following two days when your sister was in the NICU and I was there in the hospital, away from you. I had this great hole in my heart because I missed you. I didn’t know I would miss you so, so much. I also felt awful because now I had two children, and I wasn’t able to take care of either one of you. It was a sad time for me.

Friday night through Wednesday, April 20, Grandma Worthen took care of you at our place. I was so glad she came. The next few days your dad was able to stay home from work for you. Even though you had consistency with Grandma and Dad, I felt like I was abandoning you every time I went to the hospital—especially when I went to the 9:00 feedings because that is your bedtime.

The biggest stress came the following week. Every day someone else babysat you for a few hours. I could tell that this was taking its toll on you. It was taking its toll on me too. I hated asking people to watch you. I hated leaving you with someone else. And I never felt comfortable enough to ask the same person to take on more days with you. Inconsistency and lack of me.

Monday, May 2, I broke down. I couldn’t do it to you anymore, and I couldn’t do the NICU anymore either. I wanted nothing more than to have both of you home, safe and sound, with me. That was the night Grandma Worthen came back. She stayed with us until May 6. You had a lot of fun with her and she took such good care of you. You should really thank her.

I’m not too sorry that I have to pay attention to Emma often. This is something that you’re going to have to learn to cope with. I love you as much as before, I just have another person to love each day too.

You make me so happy when you do want something to do with Emma. Like when you help me hold her bottle. Or when you help me burp her.

Today, though, you freaked me out when I walked into the living room and found Emma on the floor. Yes—you had moved her from the couch to the floor. Yikes! I was relieved that she wasn’t crying. You must have been careful with her, at least, that’s what I’m hoping.

Zachary, I hope you’re a good big brother. You’re such a good kid the rest of the time, I can’t imagine you won’t be a good big brother.

I love you!!!!

Your Mom

NICU Nurses

The NICU nurses were the best and the worst. OK, I wouldn’t really say any were the “worst.” But, there were some nurses that just did not make me happy when I was there. And there were some nurses that were saints, truly saints.

Toward the beginning of the NICU stay, Emma had one nurse for two days that turned out to be my Angel. Her name was Lisa. I don’t know what her last name is—none of the name badges had last names on them.

Lisa was super happy, super smart, and super intuitive. She was aware of not only Emma’s needs, but my needs.

As I was feeding Emma one time, I overheard Lisa talking to a nursing student about being a nurse. Lisa was telling how she came to work in the NICU. The short version is that Lisa liked working with children, babies in particular, because they got better and they went home. Adults and older children—they suffered because they knew they were supposed to suffer.

That thought—these babies get better and go home—really uplifted me that day.

There were so many nurses that worked there in the NICU. If I had to guess, I would say there were probably around 80 nurses. I could be off, more or less. I’m just guessing. But we only had the same nurse (not counting consecutive days) once.

Sooooo many nurses. And yet I ran into Lisa again, and again, and again. Every time I ran into her, she asked me how Emma was doing—by name. And she always had a word of encouragement. On May 2, Lisa was the nurse that suggested I ask the doctors for a scope to see if Emma had something more serious in her throat than they were letting on. Lisa suggested (as my friend, Melanie had) that Emma might have tracheomalacia.

Some of the nurses were happy to make Emma pretty. Some of them searched for cute outfits for Emma to wear. Some of them were happy to put a new bow on her head. Others could care less.

Some of the nurses encouraged me and told me I was doing a good job. Other nurses “suggested” something better, as though I wasn’t good enough.

Some of the nurses were trying really had to help Emma help herself. Others just hooked her up to the feeding tube.

Anyway, the NICU nurses had a lot of influence on my life for 20 days. I’m so grateful for the kind and encouraging ones—so grateful.

Emma - One Month

Dear Emma,

You are already one month and three days old. Yup. Most of that time was spent in the stinkin’ hospital. Please don’t go back there again, okay? Thanks.

Most days I can’t see the change you have made from the day before. But, there are the occasional times that I look at you and think, “Hey! I can see that you look different than two days ago!” It’s kind of funny.

The most amazing thing to me about you is that I really think you have some control over your hands. I think you’ve had this control at least for two weeks—from the night you pulled your feeding tube out of your nose. I’ve watched you and I swear you hold your binky in your mouth, or take it out. I swear you have tried to get the oxygen tubes off your face. These things are not just once in a while—but they happen repeatedly. It’s so awesome! You are already amazing.

We hired my friend to take some pictures of you the Saturday after you got home. We’ve been able to see them and you look beautiful. I really think you are so beautiful. When you were first born, it was crazy, it was like I was looking at me when I was a baby. You looked like I looked in my baby pictures.

Oh, another amazing thing about you is that you already can move. Well, you turned clockwise 90 degrees Sunday afternoon when I had you on the floor. The picture here shows how you ended up, but you started out parallel with the stripes on the blanket.

Yesterday as I was looking at you, I thought, “Hey! You’re starting to look like your daddy too!” I think that’s great, especially since I have a hard time seeing me in Zachary.

You’re a very sleepy baby. Most of the time I have to wake you up to feed you. I don’t mind when you wake up and eat. It does make me sad when I can’t get you to wake up. I like having eye contact with you.

I’m so glad you’re home with us. Not only am I glad you’re home from the NICU, but I’m simply glad you are in our family. I already love the idea of having two children, two wonderful children.

Thanks for being my girl, my pretty Pearl.

Love,

Your Mom

Emma in the NICU

Emma has been home from the hospital for thirteen days now. Thirteen. But, she was in the hospital, in the NICU, for 20 days. Yes, one day short of three whole weeks.

It was MISERABLE.

Long story short: She went in because of breathing problems. She stayed there because of eating problems. She left there with an informally diagnosed breathing problem: tracheomalacia. This will supposedly clear up as she gets bigger and stronger. She came home on 1/32 liters of oxygen.

Long story L O N G (for journal purposes):

I’ve had people tell me to be grateful we have NICUs these days. I’m glad. Yes. But, I’m not exactly sure Emma really needed to be there.


When she was first born, they didn’t let her spend too much time with me in the delivery room. Sad. I wanted to try to nurse her as soon as I could. But, they took her to the nursery because she seemed like she was wheezing a bit. They didn’t bring her to me for a long time.


Actually, Mark and I got to go give her her first bath in the nursery about five hours after she was born. After her bath, they FINALLY let me have her in my room.


It was at this time that I finally tried nursing her for the first time. She did pretty good. But, she seemed like she was having a hard time breathing. She was wheezing and kind of stuttering.


I called the nursery and asked them what they thought about that. They said they would come listen to her. Emma’s nurse came in. She agreed that Emma didn’t sound right. She said she was going to take Emma back to the nursery and they would evaluate her there. I was sad.

A little while later, the nurse brought her back to my room. She said they had decided something was wrong and that Emma needed to go to the NICU. She said they thought maybe Emma had swallowed some amniotic fluid and/or that she didn’t have enough time in labor to have the contractions loosen up her lungs. These were both causes of concern for a newborn.

I asked the nurse if we could have a few minutes alone with Emma before she took Emma to the NICU. I had Mark give Emma a blessing. The blessing promised Emma would be okay and she would be able to come home with us soon.

Turns out “soon” is a relative word. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 100-year-old person is definitely quick. “Soon” in the lifetime of an infant is not, it’s quite the opposite. “Soon” in the lifetime of a 32-year-old shouldn’t be a bother for 20 days. But, it was. Twenty days was too, too long.

When Emma was first taken into the NICU, they said it would likely be three days. At least, for the given diagnosis, three days was typical. At first Emma was just lying in an open warming bed, not in a full incubator, not in an open hospital “crib.” She didn’t have oxygen on her, she didn’t have an IV, she didn’t have anything on her except her diaper and some monitors that all NICU babies have.


I spent one extra day at the hospital—but not under nurse/doctor supervision. This extra day was because Emma was still in the NICU.

The next day they put her on an IV. The IV was both a type of “food” and calcium, and some antibiotics. The food kept her from needing to eat. I started pumping on April 15 so that Emma could have her liquid gold.

They also put her on oxygen when they put the IV in her.

A couple days later (sorry, I don’t remember which day it was—on or before April 18), they put an “NG tube” down her nose to her stomach. They said she wasn’t eating from a bottle from the nurses and they weren’t satisfied with my attempts to nurse her. They pumped my breast milk down the tube—forcing food into her.

About the same time they put her under bili lights because she was starting to get jaundiced. This did not concern me too much, as it seems so many babies get jaundice (like Zachary). She was only under the bili lights for two days.


The IV drip was something they were trying to “wean” her from but her vitals and weight were indicating she “needed” it. They had a number on her IV machine that fluctuated. It started at a 14, went down to a 7, went back up to a 15, then down to 5, back up to 18. It took a while to wean her.


They tried to start the IV in her right hand, but they couldn’t get it. So then they put it in her left hand. Then they put it in her feet, right then left. Then in her head, right then left sides. I hated that IV. A lot.

In the 20 days she was in the NICU, the lowest weight she hit was 6 pounds 14 ounces. Her final weight leaving the NICU was 7 pounds 4 ounces.

On April 22, they moved her from Room 2 to Room 1. I asked if that meant anything. They told me it didn’t. But, I was trying to be optimistic and hoped that it did. The babies in Room 2 seemed to be smaller on average and seemed to be under more intensive care than those found in Room 1. In fact, the morning we first found Emma in Room 1, two babies were getting ready to go home with their parents.

Overall, the NICU stay was really hard and painful. I went home on Sunday, April 17 without my baby. I went to the hospital as often as I possibly could. Most days I went three times. There were some days I went four times. And there were some days I went five times. It all depended on who was with Zachary. (That’s a whole different post.)

I would pump when I came home from the hospital. I would pump before I went to the hospital if it had been long enough. I pumped, I made hospital visits, I tried to sleep, I took Zachary to yet another person’s house, I felt helpless. From the beginning, Emma had been on a feeding schedule: 3:00, 6:00, 9:00, 12:00—both am and pm. Most of the time, I went to her 9:00 am, her 3:00 pm, and her 9:00 pm feedings.

Sunday, April 24, I took Zachary to church and dropped him off. I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding. I made it back to church for sacrament meeting. A lot of people talked to me and offered sympathy. I cried a bit here and there. Stress + crying = headache. When I was driving home from her 3:00 feeding that afternoon, I started getting cold chills. Like, from the time I left the hospital to the time I got home, they went from a couple to practically continuous. My headache was major. I knew I had mastitis.

Mastitis.

Ugh. I called my doctor’s office to leave a message for the on-call physician. Turned out to be my doctor. He called me and talked to me. He called in a prescription for me. Mark went to Emma’s 6:00 feeding. My friend, Melanie, picked up my prescription and came to entertain Zachary here at our house while I burned through my fever.

It took me a couple days to feel better. I was unable to visit Emma very much on Monday, April 25. I just felt awful. I took that day to recover. Turns out, women who are under a lot of stress, not eating regularly, and/or who are pumping/nursing at irregular intervals are VERY susceptible to mastitis. All of those things would be ME.

The doctors wouldn’t/couldn’t tell us when Emma would be coming home with us. They told us that they wouldn’t discharge her until she was eating all her meals orally, wasn’t losing weight (so she could be maintaining or gaining), and be off oxygen or low enough that they could send us home with oxygen tanks.

Mark and I finally had a “Care Conference” on Friday, April 29. That’s a meeting with the NICU doctor, the case worker, and the head nurse. (Emma’s doctor was one of three doctors, just depending on who was at the hospital that day. And the head nurse was different too, depending on the day.)

At the Care Conference, Mark and I expressed our concerns. I cried, even though I tried not to. Mark didn’t say as much as I thought he would—especially considering he was the one who was angry about the NICU stay. The only thing we really decided at the conference was that Emma’s nurses should, at a minimum, TRY to feed her orally. A lot of times they were “conserving her energy” and just immediately sending her milk down her tube.

The other thing that they talked to us about at the Care Conference was that they had a room for NICU parents to use, a “hotel” room of sorts. They suggested I do a 24-hour stay at the hospital and prove to everyone, us, the nurses, the doctors, that Emma really does respond best to me. Eight feedings in a row.

So, starting with her 9:00 am feeding on Saturday, April 30, I was there with Emma for every feeding. She did GREAT! When she wouldn’t nurse, or when she would fight me, I would give her a bottle. It was strange being there in the middle of the night. But, she’s my baby and I’m glad that I had that opportunity.

At the midnight feeding, Emma reached up with her right index finger and slowly grasped and pulled the NG tube right out of her nose. It freaked me out. I called the nurse over. She looked at it, said, “Yup, she sure did.” Then she said that we might as well take the stickers off since our goal is to have Emma without the feeding tube. So, Emma’s ugly sticker mustache was gone along with the feeding tube. Hooray!!!

Sunday, May 1, the doctor told me he was so proud of both of us. He told me that if Emma did that good for another day, we could expect to take her home Tuesday or Wednesday.

Turns out, Emma is a stinker. She did NOT do that good the next 24 hours. She didn’t even do that good when I was there to feed her.

Monday morning, the doctor there (a different one from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) told me Emma was still struggling with eating and that we should “wait.” WAIT. The doctor said Emma might be in the NICU another week, maybe even more than that.

It was also at this point that the doctor, because I had to ask her, admitted she thought there was something else going on with Emma’s breathing which affects her eating. Tracheomalacia. That is when the rings in her trachea are weak and collapse a bit on her. It makes breathing a bit more difficult, and breathing is important when eating. It affects the suck, swallow, breath rhythm. Tracheomalacia is supposed to clear up when the trachea matures. I don’t know how long that’s supposed to be.

My friend, Melanie, had said weeks before that she was pretty sure Emma had tracheomalacia. Why hadn’t the doctors mentioned it before? That’s what I’d like to know. Melanie had first noticed it because of Emma’s striderous breathing. Emma still has raspy breathing, even today.

When I left the NICU that morning, I cried. I called Mark. He didn’t seem to know how to help, so I felt even more miserable. I texted my mom and asked if there was any way she could come stay with us again. She had already spent four days with us right after Emma was born. But, I needed her again. I NEEDED someone to come stay with us for Zachary’s sake. I was at a breaking point.

Within minutes, my mom called and said she could come. I bawled when I was talking to her on the phone. I need MY mommy. Dad and McKayla brought her up Monday night. My dad and my mom met me at the door with comforting hugs when I got home from Emma’s 9:00 pm feeding that night.

Tuesday morning, when I showed up for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding, the doctor informed me that if Emma gained weight by that evening, Emma could come home with us Wednesday.

IS THAT CRAZY? The morning before the doctor, the same doctor, told me to “wait” for possibly a couple more weeks. That morning she was telling me that Emma could go home with me the next day. Apparently, Emma had gained weight and had eaten every feeding orally for more than a day and a half. This was such exciting news, a complete reversal of the day before.

They informed me that Mark and I had to learn how to do oxygen tanks, because Emma would be coming home with us on oxygen. We scheduled a 5:00 pm appointment with the oxygen provider. They were supposed to come meet us at the hospital.

Mark and I got to the hospital that night a few minutes early. We waited. And waited. And waited. The nurses were upset. The case worker was upset. Everyone was upset. Mark and I waited. Mom called me about 5:45 and said that the oxygen provider representative was at our place—at the condo! DUH. That ticked the nurses and everyone off.

So, I fed Emma while we waited for the ditz to come to the hospital. When she finally got there, it was like 6:30. She wasn’t even prepared. She didn’t know the equipment. She didn’t have a good billing statement. She was scattered. The nurses kicked us out at 7:00 even though we weren’t done with all the paperwork. But, Mark and I were happy—we were taking our baby home the next morning!


May 4, 2011, I went to the hospital for Emma’s 9:00 am feeding—and to take my baby home. Mark was at work. Mom was with Zachary. Life was GREAT!!!!

Welcome Emma Pearl!

Emma Pearl Hales was born at 4:14 pm on Thursday, April 14, 2011 (4/14). According to the delivery room nurses, she was 18.5 inches long (though I have my doubts about that). She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. She is seriously one of the prettiest babies I think I’ve ever seen.

The following is an edited email I wrote to my friend, Michelle. I wrote this email on April 15, when I was optimistic about NICU things.

**********
So, um, yah, we had a baby yesterday. We had a little girl. And I am in love with her.

We are naming her Emma Pearl.


Emma is and will be in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) until probably Sunday. I get sent home tomorrow. She is breathing fast and shallow. They think it's because (1) she swallowed some amniotic fluid when she came out and (2) since the delivery was SOOOO fast, the contractions didn't have time to help loosen up the gunk in her lungs.

She's not on oxygen. She is hooked up to an IV. She's sleeping a lot. Her color is great. Her temperature is fine. She's just irregular with her breathing.

She came SUPER FAST. Like, I wasn't even timing my contractions until probably starting about 2:00 pm. I woke up at 4:30 am with a contraction. It was like, “Oh, a real contraction.” But, it was mild. I had four more contractions before I fell back asleep an hour later.

Throughout the morning I had contractions. But SO sporadically, and some were really mild while others made me blanch with the pain. I went shopping at Wal-Mart. I went to visit Mark at his office. I got some new makeup from the Mary Kay lady. I went to a lingerie shop and got me some new nursing bras.

Zachary and I got home about noon. I fed Zachary lunch. He had fallen asleep on the ride home from the office so he was bouncing around after he ate some food. I finally got him to fall asleep at 2:00. I had texted Mark about a half hour earlier and told him to come home. He came in the door minutes after I put Zachary down.

I tried to take a nap because I was tired. But, the contractions woke me up. I only confirmed that we needed to go to the hospital probably about 3:15. Our friend got to our place about 3:30 to be with Zachary. We got to the hospital about 3:50. They got my first contraction timed at 4:00. Emma came at 4:14.

Previously I had said that I wanted to go natural if I could. Then the contractions were so painful I told Mark I wanted an epidural as soon as we got to the hospital. Um—no. Um—just help her come (PUSH!). Um—OUCH.


But, honestly, I was (am) super proud of myself. Honestly, I feel a lot better right now than I did a day after Zachary was born. Honestly, what a rush. Honestly, what a weird feeling (I can tell you how it felt if you really want to know). Honestly, I tried to watch her come out, but I missed it. I had my eyes closed. I saw her head come almost half way out, but then my next push I was closing my eyes in concentration and pain.


She was born at 4:14 pm on 4/14. She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. She was 18.5 inches. [A friend of mine pointed out that 1+8+5=14. Lots of 14s.] I was 37 weeks + 1 day. So, she was “full term,” but three weeks early.


Oh, and my doctor, Dr. Roth, didn’t make it to the hospital in time. No surprise there—since Emma came so fast. They had the on-site doctor run in the room to deliver her and then sew me up. I had to ask later who delivered Emma. I think her name was…oh, wait, I can’t remember any more. I’ll have to look her name up when I get around to getting Emma’s birth certificate. A few hours after I had been moved to the recovery room, I had to ask a nurse to find the doctor’s name.


It's super, super weird. I have two children, but neither one of them is with me right now. I can't believe how much I miss Zachary. I didn't realize I would feel like this. And I feel so helpless about Emma being in the NICU. I really wish I could be with her all the time, but I can't.


The second pregnancy for me was SOOOOO different. I gained like 20 pounds. I gained like 40 with Zachary. I couldn't wear my wedding ring with Zachary at month four. I've put it on and taken it off every day with this pregnancy. I had pregnancy induced hypertension with Zachary. I didn't experience that hardly at all with this one. But, (according to my self diagnosis) I had too much relaxin in my system. That totally made my pelvis and legs ache, ache, ache. Hurt. Walking: only as much as needed. Exercising: no thanks. Stretching: um, that's going to make it worse. Turning over in bed: MISERABLE.

I'm still having a hard time with my legs and pelvis today.

But, my tear is nothing like it was with Zachary. I only had a 2nd degree tear this time.

So, there you have it! I'm a mommy twice over now!

Baby Bump #2

So, I didn't think I was going to have a baby on April 14, 2011. But, I did. I was so sure that I wasn't, that I went ahead and took my weekly picture. Here's the proof. The final picture was taken at 12:55. Emma Pearl came into this world at 4:14 pm.

Zachary - 18 Months

Dear Zachary,

You are now 18 months!!!! Holy moly. Eighteen months. Wow. Time has flown.

About an hour ago you climbed up on my lap and fell asleep. You don’t usually do that. Often I coerce you to come sit on my lap so I can read to you or sing to you to calm you down. About half the time you’ll fall asleep that way. The rest of the time you’re calm and I can put you in your crib. But, you rarely come to me and just fall asleep like you just did. Oh, I love holding you. I wish I had the time and patience to just hold you for the next two plus hours during your nap.

Yes, your naps are two to three hours on a regular basis. It’s good for me. Especially now that this pregnancy is tiring me out. I can catch a short nap and get some computer time.

Your hair is getting so long. But, I have no desire to really cut it. I think it is awesome hair. So many people agree with me. I know I probably should cut it, but it’s so much fun.

You still don’t say many words. I’m okay with that for the most part. Actually, this may sound weird, but it seems like lately you’re getting even lazier with your words that you used to say, like ball and balloon. You still make the “b” sound, but the rest of the word is not very clear.

We do animal sounds together. You know the sounds for the following: snake, dog, cat, cow, horse, sheep, elephant, bear, monkey, bird, and duck.

A week ago, while your dad was at training, the thought suddenly came to me: I can make Zachary a stove/oven!!! A few of my friends have posted pictures of these fancy kitchens they have made out of old entertainment centers. I’ve been slightly jealous. But, we don’t have any place to build something like that and we don’t have any place to put something like that. But you’ve been content “cooking” on one of our ottomans. I thought—gee! I can just make him a stove out of a box! So, I did. It took me about two hours. And you love it! You cook all sorts of things on it and then you share them with us. I’m so impressed with your imagination. And I’m so impressed with your ability to copy us.

You seem like you’re pretty tall for your age. We’re going to the pediatrician on Monday for your check-up. We’ll see how you measure up there.

You’ve been going to nursery for quite a few months since we have very few nursery-aged children in our ward and since the nursery leaders love you. But, this Sunday will be your first “official” Sunday. I can’t believe it.

Apparently, you love going with the kids to primary for singing time. In fact, one day we had some music on and the song “If You’re Happy and You Know It” came on. You started stomping around. I couldn’t believe it! You learned that in primary and you were so excited to hear the song. That made me super happy.

I apologize for not taking you outside much. I really wish we had our own lawn where you could just run around. But, I’m kind of unwilling to let you just run out on the lawn since the complex’s draining system is awful—leading to constant mud—and people don’t pick up their dog’s poop. I know you probably get sick of just staying inside all the time.

Speaking of which, this past Monday, when Dad got home from work, you got your shoes and coat and made him take you outside. Oh, that was so good for both you and Dad! Dad was so happy to spend time with you and you got to take him where you wanted to go.
You really have your daddy wrapped around your finger. If you want him to get up, you climb up on him and pull his shoulders forward. You figured out this trick worked on him long before you tried it on me. A funny: your dad has a bad back right now. The other day, you had him in the dark room with you. He was copying you. You got him to lay on the floor. The next thing he knew, you were up on his back—and he couldn’t get up! Hahahah! He had to call to me for help. You had him pinned. So, so funny.

Dad has also taught you to tickle my belly (which is extra funny since it’s very large right now). Pretty much any time he tells you to tickle me, you’ll drop whatever you’re doing and head to me with a huge smile on your face. I laugh at your enthusiasm and joy more than because I’m getting tickled. I’m trying to teach you to tickle your dad’s feet in return. Working on it.

Your favorite toys are your cars and trucks. I counted them a while ago. We have 77 vehicles for you to play with. Probably half of them are yours, half are mine. But, I’m glad they are getting played with.

Sometimes I worry about you because you’ll just throw up for no apparent reason. Last night was a good example of that. We had put you to bed at 9:30. About 11:00, you woke up with a blood curdling scream and then yelling and crying. Your dad went in to see what the problem was. You were covered in throw up. I hope this is not a long term way of life with you.

You only have seven teeth. You got your bottom two front incisors first, then your top two front incisors, then your left top incisor, then a molar on the bottom left, and just recently the right top incisor. I actually wish you had more teeth so you could eat more of our food. You can’t chew that much with only seven teeth. *sigh*

Anyway, thanks for being our favorite boy. You are so beautiful and wonderful. We love you so, so much! I am thankful every single day to be your mom.

Love,

Mom

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I’ve been thinking of writing this letter for a long time. Here it is—finally. I LOVE YOU!!!

Baby, I don’t know whether you are a boy or a girl yet. If you’re a girl, we’re probably going to name you Emma Pearl (a name we’ve loved since before Zachary was born). If you’re a boy—boy oh boy! I don’t know what we’re going to name you. We have a list of possible names, but nothing that is at the top of the list. Not right now anyway.

There are a lot of “what if this is a girl” questions that I’ve been answering in my mind, maybe not in reality. Maybe.

Like, what about the bedroom? Well, right now the plan is you’ll share it with your brother. So, if you’re a boy, you’re going to be sharing a green room with brown monkeys and blue curtains. If you’re a girl, you’re going to be sharing that same room.

What about clothes? Well, if you’re a boy, that’s no problem. You’ll just wear hand-me-downs from your brother. If you’re a girl, you’ll probably have more new stuff than he did. But, you’ll also get some hand-me-downs from a friend in our ward.

So, there are a lot of questions like those that we’ll answer when we bring you home.

In the meantime…here’s some information about how my pregnancy is going. You haven’t made me swell up all over the place like Z-man did. I mostly just have my belly where you reside. You don’t seem too inclined to grow like a monster. It’s been nice.

However, I am experiencing some pains that I didn’t experience with Zach. Like my legs and hips hurt really bad. Walking is hard. Turning over in bed is hard. But I’d do this all over to get you here safe and sound.

I love watching you squirm around in my belly. I love feeling you twist and turn. I love knowing that you’re alive.

Because I’ve known so much joy with Zachary, I can’t wait to meet you. I know you’re going to add so much to our family. I hope you enjoy having Zachary as your brother. He is so sweet and silly. I’m certain he’ll make you giggle and laugh—which are sounds of heaven to me.

I’ve been taking pictures of my belly size each week for the last two months. I’ll make a collage after you get here.

Seriously—I’m so happy you’re coming. I’m so happy you’ve chosen us. I pray for you every day.

I love you!

Your Mom

P.S.

Baby, I love you too. I can't love you the same way Mom loves you, but I love you in my own special way. Be safe inside the best woman I know. Your Mom!!!

I love you,

Your Dad